My new pink what now?

So… just when I thought my list of things to feel insecure about was about long enough… “My New Pink Button ™ is a temporary dye to restore the youthful pink colour back to your labia. ” Why? What’s wrong with my labia?? Not pink enough for who? Apparently My New Pink Button was created by…

It’s Business Time

So tomorrow is Valentine’s day and it brings to mind visions of adoring glances, juicy kisses, cinnamon hearts, chocolate boxes and the Flight of the Conchords song Business Time. I know, I know, there is a mountain of you grinchy people who think it’s stupid and where the hell does Wallgreens/Pharmasave get off telling you what…

I Want To Be Your Fantasy, Maybe You Could Be Mine

I remember laying in my bed, with all the lights off, trying to force myself to cry while Prince sang his heart out, and Purple Rain came pouring from my tape deck. It usually worked. 13 year olds have a particular talent for method acting. He wailed and groaned and moaned and peaked my sexual…

That NO-Feeling

  A friend of mine was seeing a therapist years ago who counseled on the theory that you (we, as humans) would be more balanced and grounded if we listened to our bodies when they had NO-feelings. Not no feelings, but NO-feelings. What I mean is, that feeling of dread or I-don’t-want-to-do-this. That..Oh boy..this is…

Minus the drug lords and the death threats that is…

  I did a great job of organizing my agenda this week. I’m trying to give myself a chance to rest and recover but also set one or two reasonable goals for each day of this week and somehow, even though we are only Tuesday, I’m already behind. I blame you Nancy Botwin! Weeds. Is anybody else…

And the cervix of a 19 year old…

I’ve always looked young for my age. I’d be the only one left out of the bar, as my friends filed in giggling and giddy on rum and coke Slurpees, with their fake ID and shoveled on make-up. The bouncers would laugh at me and tell me to go home to my mommy. I was…

Dear Boyfriend, I think you might be Polish

My boyfriend, is convinced that he is Spanish. His father’s family is Acadian from New Brunswick and his mother was born in Montreal but adopted as an infant and apparently has no information about her cultural background. François has taken it upon himself to choose an ancestral background and has acquired the hellbent insistence that…

Are you on fire? No. Are you Bleeding? No. Then it can wait.

I know it will be a long recovery process physically, eating breakfast exhausts me. I suspect there will be some emotional recovery also. It’s inexplicably surreal to wonder one minute if you will survive the night and then only days later be staring at a dog that is begging you to take her out to…

Vegetarian Fish Loaf?

  So… after 6 days of a fever of over 104, violent and uncontrollable shaking and an inability to get from one room to the other without sliding my body against the wall for support, my silly boyfriend decides that it’s time to haul me kicking and screaming (or dragging and whimpering rather) to the…