I read your article,
50 Things Every Woman Should Realize About Men. While I was doing so, I imagined for a minute that you were a credible influence in the lives of my three daughters and felt strangely inspired to clarify a little teeny weeny bit.
Sadly I don’t have enough time to respond to all 50 in one day, but I do have time to respond to 10, every week, for the next 5 weeks. And I will.
Chuck: This one’s for the ladies. Fellas, you can hang around if you want to, but you gotta stand over there in the corner and be real quiet. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna hit on your girlfriends and wives, but I got a few things to tell them. Trust me, this is for your own good.
Okay girls, now it’s just you and me. You’re all looking very pretty today, maybe we can go grab a drink sometime—no, shit. I promised I wouldn’t do that. Sorry. Habit.
Anyway, the reason I pulled you all aside…is to show you my penis. Wait! Don’t leave, I was just kidding. Okay, I think I got it all out of my system now.
Jennifer June: Bless the the hopeless souls who are actually young stupid and brain damaged enough to find you anything you say more or less than pathetic.
Chuck: Seriously, though, I want to let you in on a little secret—men don’t know shit about women. We just can’t figure you out, and all our attempts end in humiliating defeat. So stop expecting us to understand the intricate mystery that is the feminine psyche and just accept the fact that it’s never going to happen. However…there is hope. Once you stop over-thinking men and realize that they are much less complex than you are, you can take charge, keep them content and get what you want at the same time.
So here’s a list of things that will help you help him to create a strong and lasting relationship with just about any guy. And if you need any extra help, I do offer private tutorials. You know where to find me.
1. You Gotta Stay Away From His Internet Search History
You can’t handle it. It’s more or less the same for every guy, so don’t think he’s a perv or anything. But if you go browsing where he’s been, you’ll regret it. There are some things you can’t unsee.
Jennifer June: I can’t handle it? Really Chuck? Wow, you really don’t understand women at all. Good on you for coming right out and admitting it. Here’s the thing though…
I’m thinking that a relatively grounded and secure woman can see “hairy bush”, “Hot MILF action”, and even “Money shot facials” in their partner’s internet history without having a break-down over it. Some of our boyfriend’s searches even make us jump up off the computer and run into the bedroom to ravage them.
Some of them make us wonder why we’ve been wasting $65 a month on Brazilian waxes and laser hair removal for the last however many years when all along our husband’s would have been happier diving into a wooly mammoth mound.
And some of us just point and laugh. Really hard.
“Clown porn? Hahahaha! Seriously? Oh my God that’s so messed up! Hey Babe! You like that? Yeah? You like how long my rainbow hankie is Big Boy? Yeeeeeahhhhhh you like that don’t you… Honk! Honk!
What we can’t handle, Chuck, is if your internet searches include things like “young hot teen pussy” or “farmyard love” – not because we are fragile and delicate little flowers Chuck, but because we don’t want to have sex with pedophiles, and we can’t afford to put all the pets in daycare everyday, for their own safety.
2. You Can’t Change Him
I know that you know this intellectually, but on some level, you may still think you can pull it off. You can’t. And if you do manage to get it done, he’ll figure it out and resent you for it. Love him the way he is or not at all.
Jennifer June: Oh sweet naive Chuck… We can. And we do. And when we break-up, they bring all that good stuff we taught them into their next relationships and their new girlfriends have us to thank. You’re welcome ladies.
Chuck: 3. You Shouldn’t Take It Personally When He Checks Out Other Women
Unless he’s leering and drooling, just let it slide. It’s a reflex and he can’t help it. Just let it slide.
Jennifer June: We check out other ladies too Chuck. We also check out other men. Only we do it discreetly, when he’s not around. Because we care about how you guys feel and we want you to keep your ego intact. Maybe one day when you grow-up you’ll learn how to be respectful in relationships too.
Chuck: 4. He Will Choose His Friends Over You
They’ve been with him for way longer than you have, and no matter how much he loves the regular sex, he’ll sacrifice it if you’re trying to 86 his buddies from his life.
Jennifer June: Choose his friends over you? What are you 5?
Normally a woman appreciates her man having a life of his own. If only to get him out of the house.
We appreciate that he has a safe supportive environment where he can belch and scratch his balls. A place where he wont be yelled at for having feet that smell like nacho cheese. Where he will have a receptive audience for his stupid juvenile fart jokes. A place that is far far far away from us.
And in the event that a woman does try to “86″ her man’s buddies from his life, it’s because either a) They’re such asses – she can’t stand being around them or b) her man acts like just as much of an ass when they are around. or c) they’re a bunch of toxic junkie wankers who encourage and enable her man to do the same.
In which case she can a) Live a life of her very own and not be subjected to the presence of asses b) Dump the wanker and find a boyfriend who has the mentality of a grown man. And/Or c) find a boyfriend who isn’t an ass.
Chuck: 5. Never Criticize His Mother
If he wants to do it, and you commiserate with him, that’s fine. But if you’re the one who brings it up, watch the fuck out. Odds are, there are qualities she has that he sees in you, so try to figure out what those are and relate to her on that level.
Jennifer June: Fair enough Chuck, but that one really seems like filler. It’s not really a gender thing. Nobody loves hearing other people trash their mom dude.
Chuck: 6. You Have To Let Shit Go
You’ll have a lot of fights over the course of the relationship, but when they’re over, they really need to be over. Throwing old arguments back in his face will lead to loss of trust and ultimately change how he feels about you.
Jennifer June: Again, that’s a people thing. Not a woman thing.
7. Don’t Ask Questions You Don’t Want To Know The Answers To
Hey, he’s got a history and so do you. If you love him for who he is now, don’t worry so much about the steps he took to get there.
Jennifer June: *yawn* Chuck! Get it together! These aren’t even fun anymore!
Chuck: 8. You Can’t Bombard Him The Second He Walks In The Door
He knows you want to talk about what that bitch said to you at work today or your plans to redecorate the bedroom, but for god’s sake, let him have a beer and stare at the TV for at least half an hour first.
Jennifer June: And *cough* “Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.”
Chuck: 9. Withholding Sex Is A Dangerous Game
I don’t care how mad you are at him, if you cut him off for an extended period of time, what happens next is on you.
Jennifer June: Chuck, chuck chuck…..
1. Right back attcha buddy. You guys might not withhold over a grudge, but if you’re too busy jamming with your band-mates, or playing video games until all hours of the night, or whatever other version of “choosing his buddies” over his woman that you want to insert here, What happens next is on you.
2. If you want sex, don’t piss her off.
3. If you’re not able to keep it in your pants long enough to work it out with your woman (instead of menacing her with threats that if she doesn’t fuck you even when you’re treating her like shit) you an idiot and you don’t deserve her anyway.
Chuck: 10. He’s Jealous Of All Your Straight Guy Friends
Bitch about him to the girls all you want, but if you’re confiding things to other men and he finds out about it, he’s going to get jealous. Sorry to break it to you, but he wants to be the only man in your life.
Jennifer June: What was your number 3 again Chuck? Ah yes….
You Shouldn’t Take It Personally When She Talks To Other Men.
Unless she’s sleeping with him, just let it slide. It’s a reflex and she can’t help it. Just let it slide.
To be continued… (Stay tuned for next week’s installment entitled 10 More Reasons Why Chuck Henderson Should Suck It)