50 Things Chuck Henderson should know about women

Dear Chuck,
I read your article,
50 Things Every Woman Should Realize About Men. While I was doing so, I imagined for a minute that you were a credible influence in the lives of my three daughters and felt strangely inspired to clarify a little teeny weeny bit.

Sadly I don’t have enough time to respond to all 50 in one day, but I do have time to respond to 10, every week, for the next 5 weeks. And I will.

You’re welcome.

Chuck: This one’s for the ladies. Fellas, you can hang around if you want to, but you gotta stand over there in the corner and be real quiet. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna hit on your girlfriends and wives, but I got a few things to tell them. Trust me, this is for your own good.

Okay girls, now it’s just you and me. You’re all looking very pretty today, maybe we can go grab a drink sometime—no, shit. I promised I wouldn’t do that. Sorry. Habit.

Anyway, the reason I pulled you all aside…is to show you my penis. Wait! Don’t leave, I was just kidding. Okay, I think I got it all out of my system now.

Jennifer June: Bless the the hopeless souls who are actually young stupid and brain damaged enough to find you anything you say more or less than pathetic.

Chuck: Seriously, though, I want to let you in on a little secret—men don’t know shit about women. We just can’t figure you out, and all our attempts end in humiliating defeat. So stop expecting us to understand the intricate mystery that is the feminine psyche and just accept the fact that it’s never going to happen. However…there is hope. Once you stop over-thinking men and realize that they are much less complex than you are, you can take charge, keep them content and get what you want at the same time.

So here’s a list of things that will help you help him to create a strong and lasting relationship with just about any guy. And if you need any extra help, I do offer private tutorials. You know where to find me.

1. You Gotta Stay Away From His Internet Search History
You can’t handle it. It’s more or less the same for every guy, so don’t think he’s a perv or anything. But if you go browsing where he’s been, you’ll regret it. There are some things you can’t unsee.

Jennifer June: I can’t handle it? Really Chuck? Wow, you really don’t understand women at all. Good on you for coming right out and admitting it. Here’s the thing though…

I’m thinking that a relatively grounded and secure woman can see “hairy bush”, “Hot MILF action”, and even “Money shot facials” in their partner’s internet history without having a break-down over it. Some of our boyfriend’s searches even make us jump up off the computer and run into the bedroom to ravage them.

Yep.

Some of them make us wonder why we’ve been wasting $65 a month on Brazilian waxes and laser hair removal for the last however many years when all along our husband’s would have been happier diving into a wooly mammoth mound.

And some of us just point and laugh. Really hard.

“Clown porn? Hahahaha! Seriously? Oh my God that’s so messed up! Hey Babe! You like that? Yeah? You like how long my rainbow hankie is Big Boy? Yeeeeeahhhhhh you like that don’t you… Honk! Honk!

What we can’t handle, Chuck, is if your internet searches include things like “young hot teen pussy” or “farmyard love” – not because we are fragile and delicate little flowers Chuck, but because we don’t want to have sex with pedophiles, and we can’t afford to put all the pets in daycare everyday, for their own safety.

Chuck:

2. You Can’t Change Him

I know that you know this intellectually, but on some level, you may still think you can pull it off. You can’t. And if you do manage to get it done, he’ll figure it out and resent you for it. Love him the way he is or not at all.

Jennifer June: Oh sweet naive Chuck… We can. And we do. And when we break-up, they bring all that good stuff we taught them into their next relationships and their new girlfriends have us to thank. You’re welcome ladies.

Chuck: 3. You Shouldn’t Take It Personally When He Checks Out Other Women

Unless he’s leering and drooling, just let it slide. It’s a reflex and he can’t help it. Just let it slide.

Jennifer June: We check out other ladies too Chuck. We also check out other men. Only we do it discreetly, when he’s not around. Because we care about how you guys feel and we want you to keep your ego intact. Maybe one day when you grow-up you’ll learn how to be respectful in relationships too.

Chuck: 4. He Will Choose His Friends Over You

They’ve been with him for way longer than you have, and no matter how much he loves the regular sex, he’ll sacrifice it if you’re trying to 86 his buddies from his life.

Jennifer June: Choose his friends over you? What are you 5?

Normally a woman appreciates her man having a life of his own. If only to get him out of the house.

We appreciate that he has a safe supportive environment where he can belch and scratch his balls. A place where he wont be yelled at for having feet that smell like nacho cheese. Where he will have a receptive audience for his stupid juvenile fart jokes. A place that is far far far away from us.

And in the event that a woman does try to “86″ her man’s buddies from his life, it’s because either a) They’re such asses – she can’t stand being around them or b) her man acts like just as much of an ass when they are around. or c) they’re a bunch of toxic junkie wankers who encourage and enable her man to do the same.

In which case she can a) Live a life of her very own and not be subjected to the presence of asses b) Dump the wanker and find a boyfriend who has the mentality of a grown man. And/Or c) find a boyfriend who isn’t an ass.

Chuck: 5. Never Criticize His Mother

If he wants to do it, and you commiserate with him, that’s fine. But if you’re the one who brings it up, watch the fuck out. Odds are, there are qualities she has that he sees in you, so try to figure out what those are and relate to her on that level.

Jennifer June: Fair enough Chuck, but that one really seems like filler. It’s not really a gender thing. Nobody loves hearing other people trash their mom dude.

Chuck: 6. You Have To Let Shit Go

You’ll have a lot of fights over the course of the relationship, but when they’re over, they really need to be over. Throwing old arguments back in his face will lead to loss of trust and ultimately change how he feels about you.

Jennifer June: Again, that’s a people thing. Not a woman thing.

Chuck:
7. Don’t Ask Questions You Don’t Want To Know The Answers To

Hey, he’s got a history and so do you. If you love him for who he is now, don’t worry so much about the steps he took to get there.

Jennifer June: *yawn* Chuck! Get it together! These aren’t even fun anymore!

Chuck: 8. You Can’t Bombard Him The Second He Walks In The Door

He knows you want to talk about what that bitch said to you at work today or your plans to redecorate the bedroom, but for god’s sake, let him have a beer and stare at the TV for at least half an hour first.

Jennifer June: And *cough* “Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.”

the-good-wifes-guide-1

Chuck: 9. Withholding Sex Is A Dangerous Game

I don’t care how mad you are at him, if you cut him off for an extended period of time, what happens next is on you.

Jennifer June: Chuck, chuck chuck…..

1. Right back attcha buddy. You guys might not withhold over a grudge, but if you’re too busy jamming with your band-mates, or playing video games until all hours of the night, or whatever other version of “choosing his buddies” over his woman that you want to insert here, What happens next is on you.

2. If you want sex, don’t piss her off.

3. If you’re not able to keep it in your pants long enough to work it out with your woman (instead of menacing her with threats that if she doesn’t fuck you even when you’re treating her like shit) you an idiot and you don’t deserve her anyway.

Chuck: 10. He’s Jealous Of All Your Straight Guy Friends

Bitch about him to the girls all you want, but if you’re confiding things to other men and he finds out about it, he’s going to get jealous. Sorry to break it to you, but he wants to be the only man in your life.

Jennifer June: What was your number 3 again Chuck? Ah yes….

You Shouldn’t Take It Personally When She Talks To Other Men.

Unless she’s sleeping with him, just let it slide. It’s a reflex and she can’t help it. Just let it slide.

To be continued… (Stay tuned for next week’s installment entitled 10 More Reasons Why Chuck Henderson Should Suck It)

Jennifer June

Les Années Folles, Minus The Polio And Fascism

Warning: I’ve said this all before.

I’m too lazy to find the other posts, but I think THIS ONE pretty much says it all really.

It explains my affinity with Burlesque, Boardwalk Empire, The Cotton Club, Satchmo, Art Deco, antique stores, speakeasies, simpler times, alcoholism, organized crime and silk stockings.

And explains why, when I was having a beer with a few friends, at the Burgundy Lion, a few nights ago – And I found myself smack dab in the middle of the Bobby Fischer (Pawn Sacrifice) film set, I felt an ache deep down inside.

Why do I feel like this is what the world is supposed to look like?

Bobby Fisher Film Set - Pawn Sacrifice

Bobby Fisher Film Set – Pawn Sacrifice

I know it’s not. I know that if anything, it should look like untamed wild-lands with naked cave-people swinging rabbits and birds about, it should look like flint carving and clean drinking water, not newsprint, striptease, and moonshine, but the Jazz Age calls to me and feels familiar.

“Yeah but Jen, back then life was hard, people were poor, polio was rampant, the war, the corruption and the blah blah blah…”

YES I know that times were full of all kinds of misery, sexism, racism, poverty, war, etc… I that I would hate so very much but honestly… HONESTLY,

Not only do all these things still exist.,

But also:

I hate this world now. There I said it. I don’t like it. Not one bit.

I hate this ravaged, ugly-greedy-technology-obsessed-social-media-managed-synthetic-acrylic-socially-challenged-anti-community-disposable-mass-produced-government-run-stinky-ass-world.

And maybe it’s idealistic and naive of me and maybe it’s weird but I feel like back then, I’d have had the energy to fight for what’s right and good.

I’d have been a feminist openly gay man in a bi-racial relationship with a communist woman who wore slacks. Or something…

Now? Now I feel like there’s just so much garbage going on and so many ignorant, uneducated, inbred people in the world, and they’re breeding like cockroaches, and feeding into supply and demand of gross.

And I hope that, with all the useless crap that we have, and are yet to, come up with; Louis Vuitton knock-offs, talking (Siri where is my soul-mate?) cell phones, wall mounted flat screen HD televisions, and flying cars, and mouth shaped urinals, somebody actually invents a functional time machine.

Because there is this 20-30 year window I’d like to transport to.

A window I’m quite certain would suit me so much more than the one I’m living in now.


A window, a world, and a pair of silk stockings….

DamianaDolce

Jennifer June

On The First Day Of New Year (2013)


The thing is… Last New Year I wrote a post about how Jillian Michaels said on facebook that the first 12 days of your New Year determines how the rest of the year will play out.

I was all panicked because I learned this already 4 or 5 days in to January and obviously, this ignorance was exclusively how I fucked up 2012.

Last year I wrote not one, but two lists of New Years Resolutions and I am ashamed to say that I dropped the ball on most (but not all) of my goals.

List One:

1) Eat more chocolate DONE!

2) Drink more wine Check!

3) Sell at least 2 of my children into slave labour Fail

4) Stow away on Dom Castelli’s Cruise ship Did not happen

5) Breed goats DONE! But only in my mind…

6) Ask boyfriend if I can have a girlfriend (again) Did not go over well

7) Embark on career as VCR repair woman Still working on the business cards

8) Convert to Rastafarian-ism Lost interest

9) Start cat shelter DONE!

10) Start smoking again Fail

List number two

1) Update The Lady’s Lounge and Sweet Vegan at least 3 times a week each. Almost but not really even close…

2) Finish writing my first book. FFFF-

3) Finish writing 14 songs Nope

4) Perform internationally at least once this year Done!

5) Lose 10 pounds Yes! I lost over 20 pounds!!

6) Heal myself Not even close!

7) Produce 2 shows in Montreal Not done but… I have a surprise for you coming up in May….

8) Attempt to start playing violin again Attempt completed albeit entirely unsuccessful.

9) Meditate regularly. Meditating and napping aren’t the same thing though right?

10) Yoga at least 3 times a week Fail

Okay. So Here’s the thing…

For 2013, because I have grown rather attached to them, I am keeping all my leftover resolutions from last year, instead of making new ones.

PLUS! As a super awesome MEGA-BONUS I am going to blog every single day for the first 12 days of January, so as to ensure that my 2013 continues to play out with all a y’all right here by my side.

I love you all so very very much.

Jennifer June

Taste Nirvana

Try new things.

As you know, my last attempt at coconut water was a bit of a fail.

But let me tell you… a beautiful thing has happened since.

The good people at Taste Nirvana, after reading my blog, and out of the goodness of their coco-nutty hearts, were kind enough to send me 3 bottles of their coconut water to try out.
Coconut Water

I’m not going to lie. I was hesitant. But I love coconut so very much and I so wanted to love coconut water and what if Taste Nirvana was The one?

And also, who in their right mind would turn a blind eye to Happiness In A Bottle?

Taste Nirvana

The package arrived in the mail about a month ago but life was so stressful and hectic and I knew I wouldn’t be able to sit down and truly honestly and mindful savour the moment and write about it yet, so I saved the precious green bottles for weeks, with strict warnings to all of my children, to keep their mittens off the Nirvana in the fridge OR ELSE!

Well, the weekend of July first arrived and with it, it brought Moving Day.

It was a hot and sweaty day. We were running up and down stairs, driving back and forth from one address to the other. The boxes were flying, the sweat was pouring and the beer was disappearing faster than ice on the Sahara.

Finally, I heaved my aching body up the last flight of stairs, last box in hand. I crawled out to the back patio, where I found my boyfriend – Empty little green bottle in hand.

“That coconut water stuff is so good!”

And I died a little bit inside. Especially because he drank the one with the pulp in it. I love pulp.

I, obviously, chained,, locked and duc taped the refrigerator door closed and plastered it with Crime Scene signs.

And the next day…

Before Taste Nirvana Coconut Water


After Taste Nirvana Coconut Water

*Insert the sound of Angels voices*

I’m pretty sure the pulpy water would have been my favourite if somebody hadn’t robbed me of it. I was excited about he idea of Coconut water with Aloe because I could drink an ocean of Aloe water (it’s that good people) but it was a bit saltier than the regular Coconut water, which I LOVED!

In case just tasting awesome wasn’t enough, *insert 50′s radio broadcaster voice here* Taste Nirvana coconut waters are made of natural ingredients, contain essential electrolytes, have zero cholesterol AND they are caffeine and preservative -free!

I know right?!?

Taste Nirvana, you give and you give… And I thank you for that. And also for restoring my faith in Coconut Water.

Jennifer June