Am I dying or getting famous?

Last night I dreamed of my mother. We were in the front foyer of her New Jersey split-level bungalow. “I’m just going to Costco to get you a coffin, do you need anything else?” she offhandedly mentioned, as she squeezed past me in the hallway, jacket on and car keys in hand. “wait, what? You’re what?”…

Pro tip, don’t be a dick

My place   of employment recently changed medical insurers, and informed us that we would have to pay for all medical expenses out of pocket until at least October 1st, when our new cards arrive. Naturally, two days after this announcement, I quite promptly bit down on a seemingly harmless almond  and quite certainly and absolutely broke…

Where dreams go to die

My good friend Nanci and I have known each other since we were about 14 years old. She’s one of the smartest, funniest and most talented people I know and I love her to pieces. I’m not sure exactly how the seed was planted. I think my girlfriend suggested we do it so I brought…

Is there such thing as too much Self Care?

It wasn’t even 7:00pm and I literally couldn’t keep my eyes open. I had chills even though the thermometer read 16 degrees Celsius in the house. What? Oh, yes I know, the BBC weather guide says that the “recommended temperature is 21 degrees Celsius (69.8 degrees Farenheit), but you may be more comfortable at a higher temperature. If…

Sleepless In Montreal

As the upstairs neighbours drift into a euphoric slow-wave dreamless delta state, their  brain waves slowing and enlarging blissfully like the heart of an angel (with dilated cardiomyopathy), a sudden and almost paralyzing shriek fills the air. “FLO GET THE F*@&! AWAY FROM THE DOOR! I swear to god I’ll spray you!” The screen door we installed…

Sophistication, Success and Serial Killers

My idol, Julia Cameron, includes this exercise in a few of her brilliant books, The Artist’s Way, the Sound of Paper and perhaps some others, where she encourages her reader to visit their own perceptions of what items for them could serve as a token of success. I have taken it a step further and…

The results are in!!

As some of you may or may not know, eight hundred and sixty seven years ago, instead of making an appearance on the Maury Povich show,  I spit in a vial and sent it to Ireland. While normally I am perfectly at home in the spotlight, I have to say that I’m pretty relieved to…

Are You My Mother?

  I’m going to tell my real mom!! And she’s going to come and get me! I wanted so much to believe, as so many perfectly happy and well loved children do, that I was secretly adopted from somebody interesting, exciting and foreign. Switched at birth or stolen from my birth-mother who was probably a rich…

Fingers

    Naturally, as a child I thought the world was a cruel and unfair place to live, which of course it is. And naturally, I placed the blame solely on my Mother, therefore coming to the conclusion that most children make at some point in their evolution, or another, which is that I must…