Bush Envy ( Dear Jennifer June)

Bush Envy ( Dear Jennifer June)

Dear JJC,

I’ve been to pretty much every single stand-up comedy show you’ve ever done, and when I hear your stories,  I feel like we’re practically the same person even though you’re obviously cooler, smarter and prettier than me. #goals I went vegan, had 3 kids and bleached my bangs, to be just more like you! But not in a creepy way.

Anyhooo…. I was wondering if you could help me out with something.

A couple of weeks ago I accidentally invited my pharmacy delivery guy in for a drink, when he came to deliver my topical rash ointment. One thing led to another, and next thing you know, we’re making out right on my Crested Gecko’s terrarium.

It was fun and everything but it was clear that it wasn’t going to happen again, on account of SuperPharm having a Strict “No sleeping with the patrons” policy and me having recently publicly declared my participation in a 90 day celibacy challenge on instagram.

At first I didn’t really care if I never saw him again, especially because he’s a really loud nose breather and has knuckle tattoos, but then I went in last week to renew my anti fungal prescription and…

he was polite to me.

Like, nice. Like he was exactly the same amount comfortable and nice with me as he was with all the other people who went up to his cash for the whole hour that I hid in the supplement isle watching him. Taking notes. In my diary. With my hello kitty pen.

I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. I was fine but now I can’t stop thinking about him even though I’ve since learned that he rides a unicycle, wears a thong, and attends seasonal medieval reenactment sleep-away-camp.

I know he’s not for me, but when I went in yesterday to buy some emergency Q-Tips, I got super jealous that he offered the customer before me a double bag.

I don’t even want this guy. I just want to get over him. How do I stop giving a shit?

– Service with a smile

Dear Service with a smile.

I’ve been there so many times, you have no idea. Well a couple. Like 2.5 times.

Anyway, there is nothing wrong with you and you are not alone.

Also this has nothing to do with nerf-sword-play-fight-boy.

First of all, you need to stop being so hard on yourself. You connected with nose breather on some level and that means you made yourself vulnerable to him. It always feels weird to make yourself vulnerable to a pharmacy cashier/delivery boy. Trust me.

I think there’s only one real way to deal with the ding to your self-esteem.

This might sound radical but trust me. I’ve done this myself during my darkest times, and it’s the only thing that worked.

You need to get really deep into your own psyche here and pull out your inner queen. You need to pick that bitch up off the floor, prop her back up onto her throne, and cement her there.

My prescription is as follows:

Buy yourself a gorgeous bejewelled  tiara.

Each and every time you start to question or doubt yourself, or feel small, jealous or insecure, you march yourself right over to the mirror over your dresser, put that crown right on your head, and look yourself dead in the eye and ask “What would my inner Queen do?”.

I hope this helps you as much as it helped me.

JJC

Dear Jen, 

I need friends.

– Mister Lonely

Dear Mister Lonely,

Ok so first: Only my friends call me Jen.

Second: Do you though? I mean, sure,  having friends has a huge impact on your mental health and happiness. And yes, they can help you manage your levels of  stress, provide comfort and joy, and prevent loneliness and isolation.

BUT –

Having friends also means having to remember things like other people’s birthdays, and what hat you stole from them so you never wear it when they’re around, or post selfies of yourself wearing it on instagram.

It means being lectured for wearing the same clothes every day, cutting your hair yourself, with kitchen scissors, and being called out on calling your cat “my boyfriend”.

Do you really want that? Do you??

Ok, well if you insist on having friends, here’s how you do it.

Write a list of the things in life that annoy you the most (people who tell you what to do, people who think they’re better than you, all the people etc.), write a joke about each one of those things… oh wait no. That’s how to become a stand-up comic. Don’t do that. That’s not how you make friends at all…

Ok, I’ve got it. Stop eating all animal products immediately, start a vegan blog, study natural medicine and nag everyone you know about how virtually all of their mental and physical maladies can be cured by switching to a plant based whole foods diet and… nope. That’s… not right either. That’s how you become a holistic plant based nutritionist. Not making any friends that way.

Um… according to wikihow, you should join an organization or club to meet new people, volunteer for a cause you care about, go to school or church, and start conversations with strangers and introduce yourself.

If all of that feels like too hard of work, you could always try dropping off bottles of wine, boxes of chocolates, puppies and jigsaw puzzles on random people’s porches. 100% winner.

DM me for my address.

Jennifer

 

Dear Jennifer June,

I follow you on Instagram, Facebook and twitter. You seem so confident, spiritually centred and, intuitive, even when you’re being hilarious, which is pretty much always. You’re basically my idol. lol. But for real. You are though.

I was wondering if you know much about dream interpretation. I had a nightmare the other night that I just can’t wrap my head around and I could really use some help. I know there are a ton of resources online but none of them touched on the subject of my dream.

So I was in this giant tiled multi-fauceted shower stall with another woman. Nothing sexual was going on, and even though I can’t place her, I seemed to know her in my dream.

We were chatting and I don’t remember what about. I only remember that we were both naked and I couldn’t stop staring at, and admiring how thick, lush and dark… her pubic hair was. I wan’t aroused or anything, I just felt overwhelmed with envy.

What can that possibly mean?

– Follicly challenged 

Dear Follicly challenged,

Thank you so much for your very kind words. While I am not a certified dream interpreter by profession, I do dabble in analyzing people’s insecurities and weaknesses so I’ll give it a shot.

I can definitely relate to your dream self. Having only 4 pubic hairs of my own, two of which are barely visible on account of the fact that they recently changed hue by natural causes, I’ve certainly found myself in many a public shower stall, coveting the velvety escutcheon of another women.

That having been said, it’s pretty clear that your subconscious was trying to tell you something in the night.

You are really f*&^ing insecure. That is some seriously out of control lack of self-worth you’ve got going on. I’m sorry, but please. And also there is obviously only one way to deal with this fragile an ego.

This might sound radical but trust me. I’ve done this myself during my darkest times, and it’s the only thing that worked.

You need to get really deep into your own psyche here and pull out your inner queen. You need to pick that bitch up off the floor, prop her back up onto her throne, and cement her there.

My prescription is as follows:

Buy yourself a gorgeous bejewelled  tiara.

Fasten it firmly onto your pubes..

Each and every time you start to question or doubt yourself, or feel small, jealous or insecure, you march yourself right over to the nearest full length mirror, wherever you are, (there’s one in every isle at Winners) pull your pants down and look at your royal bush and ask yourself “What would my inner Queen do?”.

You are so welcome.

Jennifer June

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