Letter to my 15 year old self:

Dear Jennifer (aka JEM, JenX, Jennie, Jeff etc…),

we need to talk.
I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately and it has come to my attention that there are things you
should know before embarking on the rest of your teen age.

1- You are NOT fat. Eat, drink, be merry and most of all, be thankful you fit in those jeans that you will one day have trouble pulling up past your knees.

2- Dustin Shwam is not the bomb. Yes, he’s cute and funny but you will learn later in life that he, even in his thirties, after marriage and children, still pulls his pants down at parties and probably lights his farts on fire (Thank you Facebook taggers). Enjoy him, by all means, but don’t waste later years or tears wondering what if…

3- Black and white striped satin-spandex leggings are most certainly not OK. They never were and they never will be and if you don’t take them off this instant, there will be photos to later illustrate this point and haunt you forever.

4- Brain-eaters are called brain-eaters for a reason, don’t do them sweetie, have another rock-a-berry cooler instead. There you go, that’s the way.

5- You and Nanci are still going to be friends when you are 39. Whatever you tell her now, she will still remember then.

6- Those knee-high red suede boots are the shit, keep them forever.

7- That 12 year old kid that you blew off at the skate park will become the object of a sick and torturous obsession in about 15 years. Please stop laughing at him, Karma is real, very very real.

8- There’s a wasp in that beer bottle.

9- Don’t put Kwellada on that rash, you will turn fire engine red and writhe in agonizing pain. You do not have scabies, you are allergic to your cat.

10- You might want to re-think the whole crush on Tom Cruise thing.

11- Ethyl alcohol is not a cocktail, not even when mixed with orange juice.

12- Orange juice will not help you come down off of acid, Baby oil +aluminum foil does not equal a base tan, smoking banana peels will not get you high and there is no such thing as a born again virgin.

13- Barry has crabs

14-You’re hair is pretty and I love your juicy lips does not mean I love you, you’re so pretty. It means: I’d love to _________you by the hair while your juicy lips are wrapped around my __________.

15- Don’t stop skateboarding (see #1)

16- Your mom knows what B.J. stands for, get more creative code words.

17- Telling your youth group that you are a Satanist is neither scary nor shocking. It is predictably teenage. I know, embarrassing right?

18- Terry is going to show up really drunk at your place tomorrow night and ask if he can sleep in your bed. Don’t let him, he’s going to barf all over your hair.

19- re: topless sunbathing when your mother has her bible study group over for tea, see #17

20- You are not Cindi Lauper. Put the razor down…NOW.

Jennifer June

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11 Comments on "Letter to my 15 year old self:"

5 years 4 months ago

Oh, Jen… If only you’d written a letter to my teenage self. She really could have used your advise.
.-= injaynesworld´s last blog ..injaynesworld it’s the "Sunday Recap…" =-.

5 years 4 months ago

That must have been right around the time that “wanna mount?” meant… oh no wait… that’s pretty much what it meant.

5 years 4 months ago

since “do you want to come see the poster on my wall” meant i want to fuck you. which could be in a hallway,closet,bathroom,bushes in the backyard,back seat of a car,front seat of a car,under a ramp,abandon shed, and least of all a bedroom with an actual bed.hey that almost rhymes.lol.

5 years 4 months ago

lol,brought me right back to the days of sneaking away from pia to eat a hamburger with you. coming over to the mason street house at 7am in the morning freaked out cause i took too much acid at 3am in the morning and couldn’t deal with it-you fed me orange juice.my obsessive crush on terry that would last 20 yrs till the day he finally tried to sleep with me and i surprised myself and said no-he went into the next room and fucked my roommate instead.going to the food bank and asking for extra cans of chickpeas.telling drunk men we only wanted one cigarette and taking half the pack they threw up to us. you forgot “show me your tits” does not mean i want to have a relationship with you.

5 years 4 months ago

What?!??? “show me your tits” does not mean i want to have a relationship with you??
Since when?