Dear Jennifer (aka JEM, JenX, Jennie, Jeff etc…),
we need to talk.
I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately and it has come to my attention that there are things you should know before embarking on the rest of your teen age.
1- You are NOT fat. Eat, drink, be merry and most of all, be thankful you fit in those jeans that you will one day have trouble pulling up past your knees.
2- Dustin Shwam is not the bomb. Yes, he’s cute and funny but you will learn later in life that he, even in his thirties, after marriage and children, still pulls his pants down at parties and probably lights his farts on fire (Thank you Facebook taggers). Enjoy him, by all means, but don’t waste later years or tears wondering what if…
3- Black and white striped satin-spandex leggings are most certainly not OK. They never were and they never will be and if you don’t take them off this instant, there will be photos to later illustrate this point and haunt you forever.
4- Brain-eaters are called brain-eaters for a reason, don’t do them sweetie, have another rock-a-berry cooler instead. There you go, that’s the way.
5- You and Nanci are still going to be friends when you are 39. Whatever you tell her now, she will still remember then.
6- Those knee-high red suede boots are the shit, keep them forever. You will miss them more than you will ever miss Dustin. I promise.
7- That 12 year old kid that you blew off at the skate park will become the object of a sick and torturous obsession in about 15 years. Please stop laughing at him, Karma is real, very very real.
8- There’s a wasp in that beer bottle.
9- Don’t put Kwellada on that rash, you will turn fire engine red and writhe in agonizing pain. You do not have scabies, you are allergic to your cat.
10- You might want to re-think the whole crush on Tom Cruise thing.
11- Ethyl alcohol is not a cocktail, not even when mixed with orange juice.
12- Orange juice will not help you come down off of acid
13. Baby oil +aluminum foil does not equal a base tan
14. Smoking banana peels will not get you high.
15. There is no such thing as a born again virgin.
16. Barry has crabs
17. You’re hair is pretty and I love your juicy lips does not mean I love you, you’re so pretty. It means: I’d love to _________you by the hair while your juicy lips are wrapped around my __________.
18. When you are a “grown-up” you are going to be really sad that you didn’t pursue some of the dreams you had when you were younger and you will feel too scared and old to try again. Don’t take these things for granted. Do them, love them, nurture them.
19. Your mom knows what B.J. stands for, get more creative code words.
20- Telling your youth group that you are a Satanist is neither scary nor shocking. It is predictably teenage. I know, embarrassing right?
21- Terry is going to show up really drunk at your place tomorrow night and ask if he can sleep in your bed. Don’t let him, he’s going to barf all over your hair.
22- re: topless sunbathing when your mother has her bible study group over for tea, see #17
23. Don’t stop skateboarding (see #18)
24. When you wrote in your diary “I’m scared to be a grown up because I don’t know what I want to do with my life, all I feel like doing is writing and singing…” THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE. It’s a real thing. DO IT.
25. You are not Cindi Lauper. Put the razor down…NOW.