Free Stuff, Serial Killers And Liberty


Well, I just realized how misleading that title is and felt a little guilty for potentially (but accidentally) luring Genevieve to the site with promises of serial killers.

Not guilty enough to change the title mind you…

So here’s the thing.

In a nutshell, for those of you with short attention spans, I gave away some stuff, I’m a judgmental bitch, my boyfriend is a jerk and now I feel free.

And for the rest of you…

I posted some free furniture on facebook and craigslist yesterday; A fake-iron headboard and footboard that I loved but that was too small for my new mattress and box-spring.

An armoir that was awesome but too big for my apartment,

A giant IKEA sofa-bed that was super comfy and practical and only a couple of years old but the loser of a beauty contest with my dream couch.

I was SUPER proud of myself for taking the initiative to de-hoard and give back, without asking for anything in return, but not humble enough not to call Franky to tell him how awesome I am.

For which I received instant karma in the form of his instillation of fear and terror.

Him: Be careful baby. There are warnings on the internet about craislist and the…

Me: Serial killers?

Him: well, more…

Me: Rapists? What?

Him: No but there was this guy who emailed another guy blah blah blah and he was like – white only, so a black guy wrote back and asked if he could buy the TV even if he was black and blah blah blah this guy who asked if he could buy something even if he was a Jew and the other dude was like what? And then the fake-Jewish guy invented a fake craigslist post that was identical but it said NO JEWS and Blah blah blah…

Me: WHAT the hell are you talking about? And how does that have anything to do with me giving away my bed?

Him: Just don’t write back if you get mean emails from people.

Mere moments after hanging up the phone, I receive a barrage of emails responding to my posts.

Most of them read nothing more than

“Address please”
“What’s your address?”
“Give me your phone number”

All of which were obviously from serial rapists because who the hell responds to an add like that?

And if it were a serial killer, he probably would have been devious enough to be charming and sweet, so that I would be tricked into inviting him in and offering him a beer after all that hard work.

So, naturally, I call Franky back.

Me: Babe! I’m scared.

Him: Of?

Me: Freaks.

Him: More specifically…

Me: Craigslist creeps. All these guys wrote back asking for my address and my phone number.

Him: They probably just want to know where to pick up the stuff you’re giving away no?

Me: No but… They don’t even say “hello, I saw your add” or “is the sofa still available”, just ADDRESS PLEASE.

Him: Okay…

Me: Whatever, I’m just being paranoid. This is all your fault. Why did you have to scare me with all those craigslist horror stories?

Him: I just told you to be careful of prank emails and…

Me: This is all your fault!! You scared me and now I’m scared to write back to any of these rapists who want to come over tonight, when I’ll be here all alone and vulnerable!!

Him: Don’t let them come at night.

Me: Forget it. I’ll just get killed. It doesn’t matter.

Him: Or just don’t give away your stuff.

Me: Mhmm… Hoard or die? Those are my options?

Him: What?

Me: Nothing. I have to go probably get killed for being a good person now. I’ll call you later tonight if I’m not dead.

Him: k, talk to you later…

I took a deep breath and responded to the first email. It was about the head and foot boards.

I gave my address and then made Thing 3 help me drag the pieces out to the balcony so that the maniac wouldn’t even stand a chance.

Then I sat in the living room, peering from behind the curtain.

A mini-van pulled up in front and out of it stepped a housewife in a fake fur coat.

She ran up the front stairs and started loading bed pieces into her van, so we introduced ourselves, Thing 3 and I, and offered to help.

And by offered to help, I obviously mean that I forced Thing 3 to help while I supervised, filed my nails and ate bon bons. This led me to realize that the explanation for her (I don’t know about the other rapists and murderers who responded to my ad) reason for emailing me so bluntly, “ADDRESS PLEASE”, was a language barrier.

In the end, this lovely lady ended up taking all the things I was giving away and was so very sweet and gracious and not even a little bit rapey about it.

And I know this sounds silly probably but I was really happy to give my bed frame to somebody who was actually appreciate it, instead of just taking it because its free, or because he needed something to tie his victims to.

This morning I did a walk trough the apartment and deeply appreciated the free space where the bed, the sofa and the armoir stood, just 24 hours ago. I took a deep cleansing breath, appreciated the feeling of parting with material possessions, despite my initial reluctance to do so. I appreciated the physical space. I appreciated the mental space.

And I wrote back to all the other emails.

Dear socially challenged potential serial killer,
Thank you for your interest in the furniture I was giving away
but it is already gone.
Have a lovely day.

Dexter?? Is that you??

Not women? Not their bodies? Just their body parts?

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