My Cat Is An Asshole

My Cat Is An Asshole


I SWEAR I had every intention of writing a cheerful post today, I honestly did.

Sadly, Sheldon had to go and ruin it for all of you with his greed-driven sense of self entitlement.

I have been having a really assy couple of weeks. I was overbooked, overworked, bitten by a chinchilla, subsequently immunized against diseases that chinchillas don’t carry, graced by a rather unpleasant reaction to said immunizations, plagued by a host of symptoms that leave doctors scratching their head and saying stupid shit out loud like, “that’s weird, you don’t seem to be having a stroke…” and a bunch of draining crap that none of you really want to hear about.

This morning, in preparation for what promises a somewhat unpleasant day, I made myself a lemon tea, grazed on fresh berries and ran myself a bath, all while chanting self empowering and healing mantras.

I’ve been craving and promising myself this hot, relaxing, and well deserved bath for days.

Note: I write this from the waiting room of my gynecologists office, where I am currently waiting to have my IUD removed because

A) my lady bits are the only part of my body that doesn’t hurt.

B) I realized recently that my sex life was the only stress-free area left in my life.

C) I figured the occasional pre-menopausal pregnancy scare might add a little spark to my relationship.

Oh, and also, it expired about 76 years ago.

ME: I’m taking out my IUD

FRANKY: what’s that?

ME: Birth control

FRANKY: What are we going to use instead?

ME: I don’t care but it’s your problem now. I covered the last 7 years. You figure it out.

FRANKY: Well, there’s still blow jobs…

ME: Hahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!! You are SO HILARIOUS!!

Now then, back to the parasite that impostures as a domestic pet…

I went to my room to get my towel and bath robe and returned to the bathroom only moments later to find this:


I contemplated wiping the muddy cat-foot prints from the entire rim and inner edge of the tub but thoughts of kitty-cooties, worms and cat-syphilis overcame me.

I gave Sheldon a hefty lecture, aggressively suggesting that if he were going to add hot water to his list of household consummation, he might re-consider employment and contributing to the family from time to time.

To which he responded by yawning and looking away.

I very resentfully drained the tub and settled for a shower.

I tried to be zen and mindful, and grateful to have clean water to wash with.

I tried to relax and breathe deeply.

But none of this is easy to do when a certain voyeur breaks into the bathroom and creepishly spies on you through the shower curtain…





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