It’s Business Time

So tomorrow is Valentine’s day and it brings to mind visions of adoring glances, juicy kisses, cinnamon hearts, chocolate boxes and the Flight of the Conchords song Business Time. I know, I know, there is a mountain of you grinchy people who think it’s stupid and where the hell does Wallgreens/Pharmasave get off telling you what…

That NO-Feeling

  A friend of mine was seeing a therapist years ago who counseled on the theory that you (we, as humans) would be more balanced and grounded if we listened to our bodies when they had NO-feelings. Not no feelings, but NO-feelings. What I mean is, that feeling of dread or I-don’t-want-to-do-this. That..Oh boy..this is…

And the cervix of a 19 year old…

I’ve always looked young for my age. I’d be the only one left out of the bar, as my friends filed in giggling and giddy on rum and coke Slurpees, with their fake ID and shoveled on make-up. The bouncers would laugh at me and tell me to go home to my mommy. I was…

Dear Boyfriend, I think you might be Polish

My boyfriend, is convinced that he is Spanish. His father’s family is Acadian from New Brunswick and his mother was born in Montreal but adopted as an infant and apparently has no information about her cultural background. François has taken it upon himself to choose an ancestral background and has acquired the hellbent insistence that…

Are you on fire? No. Are you Bleeding? No. Then it can wait.

I know it will be a long recovery process physically, eating breakfast exhausts me. I suspect there will be some emotional recovery also. It’s inexplicably surreal to wonder one minute if you will survive the night and then only days later be staring at a dog that is begging you to take her out to…

Vegetarian Fish Loaf?

  So… after 6 days of a fever of over 104, violent and uncontrollable shaking and an inability to get from one room to the other without sliding my body against the wall for support, my silly boyfriend decides that it’s time to haul me kicking and screaming (or dragging and whimpering rather) to the…

Aaaaaaand scene!

Christmas reminds me of childbirth, in that there is all this exciting build up, decorating, shopping, alerting and gathering of the family etc… but then, when it is just about to happen, you suddenly change your mind and want to either stop the whole show or just skip straight to the day after. The day…

Bring on the clowns

“Why don’t you go to Addition Elle or Penningtons?” My husband would suggest to me. “WHAT?? WHY?” “Because you are always complaining that the boutiques in the mall only have clothes for 12 year old barbie dolls, maybe you should go somewhere for big  girls.” Did he just call me a big girl? I’m not big….

wanna suck my cork?

Sooo… this dude requests my friendship on Facebook right? Well, not my facebook so much as the facebook of my alter-ego/burlesque characterDamiana Dolce and, assuming he is one of my billions of fans, I accept him. He then quite promptly sends me an email saying “you looks horny, wanna suck my cork?” The thing is, I…