I started writing this post yesterday, and I was prepared to tell you all how crappy I’ve been feeling and follow that up with words of inspiration.
I had gone on this run at 6:30. I was sad and frustrated when I left the house but as I ran I was overcome with a feeling of optimism and joy spread through me like sunlight on an eagles wings…
That never happened.
I never felt that.
I did run. But I what I felt like was this:
I felt like a beached beluga clogging down the pedestrian path along the canal. Is what I felt like.
I felt like I couldn’t even remember why I was doing it.
I felt like a fraud with superficial ideas of what completes me as a human being.
I felt lonely and sad and heavy.
But for some reason I kept running.
Possibly because somewhere deep deeeeep down inside I still had a little glimmer of hope left.
Mostly because I had just downloaded a new boxing playlist and I wanted to listen to it really loud.
I ran from Lachine to Dorval, which is approximately 3.5 kilometres each way. This made me feel really proud for a second. My runs have extended from 5 to 7 kilometres, which is great, since I still have it in my head that I am going to register to run a 10k this fall. Because I still somehow believe that this will give me some sense of validation.
I was proud of having run as far as I did, but I wasn’t happy. I was still trudging along somewhat reluctantly as I often am on these runs, and none of the usual inspirational symbols were doing it for me.
Look at the trees! They’re so strong and commanding. That’s you running through them. Take their strength and …. eeeew gross is that vomit? What the hell was that person eating?
Breathe deeply, feel the force of wind on your face. That wind is powerful and … what a cute sailboat. I wonder how many people fit on that thing. I wish I was on that sailboat. I wish I could swim. I wish I’d bought that other top too the other day, it would have looked really good on me. God this run is taking forever. It’s like I can barely lift my fat feet off the ground even… where did the sailboat go?
Yes! See the sailboat? So silent and free. Gliding across the water like a – Hey what a dumb sign. Horizon. On the horizon. Of course.
It’s not dumb you jerk. Stop running a minute and look at it. And I did.
And suddenly I had a reason. I had motive. My feelings of self-doubt and despair were lifted. I imagined myself as the trees and the wind and the sailboat. All powerful. Strong. Free. Nothing and nobody could hurt me or hold me back. I had my whole future ahead of me.
And I started running again. I ran light on my feet with purpose and conviction. I ran and I ran. I ran so far away. I ran my little heart out, toward the horizon of my life. And when my run was over I felt a deep sense of accomplishment.
And then my day pretty much took a really bad turn and went straight to shit, progressively worsening with every moment. So I drank. excessively. Because alcohol fixes everything. Only the booze I drank last night was broken because it didn’t fix anything at all. It just made me drink more.
So as you can see, I have no inspiring words to share with you.
No deep insight of any kind.
And honestly, I do kinda think putting a sign that says horizon right in front of the view of the horizon, is kind of like those cheesy picture frames you can buy at Walmart or winners or target or whatever; The ones with the big wooden letters stuck to them that spell Family or Friends or baby.
But I’m a jerk. So who cares what I think?
Tune in tomorrow for another even more uplifting post probably entitled : I never asked to be born.