I don’t want to offend anybody here but I’m just going to come right out and say that I don’t get what people call “the landing strip”, or “pubic hair mustache”. I don’t know if it’s because it reminds me of porn from 1989 or something else, but it just looks weird to me.
Don’t get me wrong, I get the appeal of maintenance. In fact, I am a big fan of landscaping, but there are extremes to everything you know?
Like, on the one hand, a giant jungle muff sprawled across your crotch and down to your knees can be a little intimidating, but so can the bare naked “look at me, I’m a pre-pubescent child” thing.
Two days ago I was showering with great anticipation for the appointment I had made with an esthetician down the street. I’d never been there before but it looked swanky and it was much closer to our house than the place I usually go.
Less than an hour later I was half naked, spread out on a table with a stranger and reeling (not really but it sounds dramatic) in shock.
Why? Well let me tell you why…
Chick: “what kind of wax?”
Me: “I don’t know what it’s called.. the kind that takes away a lot but still leaves a little”
I used my hands though, I motioned the motion one might if they were saying “leave a small-medium triangular patch here but take away the extra…” If you get what I mean. She insisted she did so I had no reason to believe that I wasn’t in safe hands.
The thing is that she was a little rougher than I’m used to and almost disturbingly thorough. Seriously, if she had been any closer to my birth canal, she would have been waxing my cervix.
On top of that, after each strip, she would lean in really close and blow on me. Yes…that is correct. I’m not repeating it so if you just said “WHAT?” go back a line or two and re-read that one.
Distracted by the pain and this somewhat unfamiliar hair removal ritual, I failed to pay close attention to the actual procedure itself and even worse, when instructed to flip on to my tummy, did so without hesitation. Maybe some people have stray pubes that wander and are more easily accessed from the back?
Judge me if you must, I really don’t care. Maybe you do this all the time, maybe you wouldn’t have it any other way, maybe you do it for fun, at the house, with all your friends and loved ones. I don’t know.
But what I do know is that I don’t have access to the adjectives that would best describe the feelings I experienced when quite suddenly surprised by searing hot wax in my butt crack. I honestly didn’t even have the time to protest before the deed was done.
So.. I came home feeling a little bewildered and somewhat violated but, in all honesty, it wasn’t that bad.
What was bad, though, was later catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, on my way to bed, and subsequently coming to the awesome realization that the only thing between me and that bare naked “look at me, I’m a pre-pubescent child” look was what some might call “the landing strip”, or “pubic hair mustache”…if you will.
My question to you is… now what?
Do shave it all off?
Do I leave it like that and avoid my reflection for the next 4-6 weeks?
Do I take a moment every day to stand in front of the mirror, pointing, laughing and judging as I have been so quick to do to others?
Do I buy it a pair of nose glasses?