Matthew McConaughey can suck it.

Matthew McConaughey can suck it.

I figured it would be about as intelligent as those articles in Cosmo that tell you that in order to spice up your sex life you need to turn off the Television during love making or *yawn* prepare a candle lit meal for your mate.

I still always read them, just in case somebody actually has a creative idea one day.

The author of the article starts by pointing out that we don’t actually need to get airbrushed,chopped up, reduced or implanted to attract a mate.

Cool… so, getting morphed into a woman that looks like a man who wants to look like a tiger is not obligatory. Excellent.

She reminds us that To look good you have to feel good.

Right. Good start.

She says we must Eat all natural foods because if it’s wrapped, bagged, canned, etc… then it contains nasty preservatives.

I concur

She insists we stop drinking soda.

I am on board. I hate the stuff. Never drink it.

Workout everyday

Wooaaah. Every day? I might not be feelin’ it anymore. I’m just saying…

She goes on, Maintain your body everyday. Brush your teeth, shower daily, remove excess body hair, etc…

I might be going out on a limb here but I’m pretty sure that, unless your target audience falls between the age of 5-11 years old, if they need to be told to bathe and brush their teeth, there’s no helping them.

She notes specifically for the women that Being married does not give you an excuse to stop trying to look good.

And then so helpfully adds: “Wear heels. They elongate your legs and make them look even better.”

BING! (sound of me pulling the chord on the bus because I want to get off NOW!)

Wear your husbands (not yours) favorite perfume, hairstyles and clothes.

SHUT THE HELL UP LADY, I’M SERIOUS NOW.

She moves on to the men

Take up bodybuilding”

HA HA HA!!!! yeaaahhh… that’s happening.

Wear your wife’s (not yours) favorite cologne, hairstyles and clothes on you.

Um… assuming he has hair.

And also, please. I’m not a control freak and my love is unconditional.

My boyfriend/girlfriend can wear whatever he or she wants to wear…
as long as I bought it for him and/or her.

Pursue your interests. Invite your wife to join in!

Please don’t.

I mean persue, persue away, but don’t ask me to disassemble your hard drive with you please.

I’m good for watching 600 youtube videos in a row, you go ahead without me. Tell me about them later if you like.

And no, totally not necessary for you to include me in your D&D marathon. I’m all set with a few human friends and a gin martini but thanks for thinking of me dungeon master, really.

Watch romances and chick flicks. All of the men in those movies are the same in attitude. It’s extremely difficult for a woman to resist when a man romances her. Follow those men and do what they do. Trust me, it’s cheesy but works.

Lady seriously? First, I can resist Matthew McConaughey just fine. In fact he repulses me.
Second, I find my man’s affinity with Sex and the City disturbing enough. Back the hell off.

Uniforms, uniforms, uniforms…

PAAHAAA!!! OH MY GOD! Baby, remember when you were a scout? Please!! Do it! I dare you. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!

Apparently the author of this article is the self proclaimed Relationship Expert Mastermind who also brings us treats such as:

How to Get Your Dream Man to Love You,

The Top 4 Ways to Affair Proof Your Marriage

And my personal favorite, Why You Should Wait to Have Sex.

Really? So the TOP ways to look INCREDIBLY sexy for your spouse are to brush your teeth and bathe more often and pretend you’re somebody that you’re not?

I don’t know about anybody else, but I can definitely think of a few reasons why this author should probably wait to have sex.