You know, there’s this service where people who are desperately in need but have very limited funds, can have a housekeeping service come over once or twice a week, subsidized, at least in part, by the government.

I, however, am not visibly or physically disabled in anyway that would qualify me, which is very unfortunate, because my house could really use a deep and consistent cleaning.

Of course I’m one of those neurotic people who wouldn’t let the maid come over until I had thoroughly cleaned for her in advance, in a vain attempt at proving that I’m not actually the slob that I am.

And in order for me to effectively clean my house, I would need to organize it.

And in order for me to organize it I would need to do a massive purge.

And in order for me to do any of those things, I would need to have an attention span some what greater than that of a flea.

Honestly, there are so many distractions on the walk between my bedroom and the bathroom, it’s a wonder my teeth get brushed each night before bed.

So what I really need (in addition to quitting my job so I have time to do all this shit) is a personal assistant who can walk through the house with me and write a list of all the things that need to be done, from changing light bulbs to dropping off car seats and baby clothes, to organizing the kitchen pantry etc…

Somebody who will assign me baby steps and talk me through them. All day. Every day.

It would be great if she/he had a car too because I don’t.

And cute handwriting.

And the ability to focus for more than 3 minutes at a time. Which I do not.

And patience. Because I don’t seem to have much of that either.

And tons of energy, of which I have none.

And skills. Again, none.

So basically I need a full-time government funded personal assistant with a car, who is everything I am not.

And the reason why I need this is because I’m quite convinced that if the government would send somebody over here to kick my ass into gear, I might actually get my shit together enough to “contribute to society” which I personally think is an excellent use of the tax payers money.

Because as it stands, I’m pretty much a barnacle.

A frustrated little barnacle, just sitting around, stuck to the rest of you, with my creepy little tongue sticking out from time to time, checking to see if something will land on it.

Maybe there’s a grant of some kind that I can apply for or something?

I just checked out the anatomy of a barnacle and, after close inspection of part placement/proximity, if a gonopore is what I think it is, concluded that I actually wish I was one.

Also, I bet their houses never need cleaning.

I aspire to such greatness: