Canadians are not sorry

Canadians are not sorry

Canadians are not sorry.

We say we are, but we’re not.

And if you had supersonic hearing, you’d know that.



If you stopped to listen closely, after banging into one with your grocery cart at the supermarket, you’d hear that after the words “I’m sorry” are the words that show our true colours.

“I’m sorry…” and then in an almost inaudible tone and volume that only dogs and fruit bats can hear… 

“that you are so self-involved and oblivious to anything that’s going on around you, that you just smashed your stupid &*^%$ng cart full of diet fruit flavoured beverages and fatless, sugar free, non-vegan-yogurt-light into my knee, you entitled blind bitch.

Canadians aren’t sorry, they’re passive aggressive.

Oh and also,

Canadians are not polite.

It’s true. I mean, we’re more polite than most people but we aren’t as polite as you think. I mean, we act polite but mostly that’s just a power trip. And again, if you were a wax moth, you’d have a hearing frequency of up to 300 kilohertz so you’d know that.

No please, go ahead, I’ll hold the door open so you can go ahead of me…

since you’re panting on the back of my head and your breath is so bad it’s curling my ear hairs, while dodging around my heels like a tailgating road rager, because apparently you’re that much more important than me with much more important places to go than I have, even though I can’t imagine anyone on earth wanting to spend more than 3 seconds in the same room as you and I actually have a real life and real friends and real places to be but – really no please, go ahead, you first, after you.”


Canadians are not polite. They’re self-righteous.

Oh, and also…

Canadians are not passive.

We’re just on this team:

“All violence consists in some people forcing others, under threat of suffering or death, to do what they do not want to do.” – Leo Tolstoy

“Violence as a way of achieving racial justice is both impractical and immoral. In spite of temporary victories, violence never brings permanent peace.” Martin Luther King, Jr.

“I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent.”  – Mahatma Gandhi


Canadians are not passive. We’re just compassionate, intelligent and evolved enough not to act aggressively. Passive aggressive on the other hand…

And lastly,

Canadians are not Tree-huggers. We are tree appreciators and tree protectors. That doesn’t mean we are flakey hippies, even though some of us are. It means we are trying to survive.

Let me break this down for you. Breathing is the process of moving oxygen into the lungs, and carbon dioxide out of them. You know… to keep us alive.

Oxygen makes up roughly 21% of the Earth’s atmosphere and at least half of this oxygen is produced through photosynthesis in trees and other plants.

Trees also play a significant role in moderating the climate, removing carbon dioxide from the atmosphere and providing a habitat for many species of animals, insects and plants. Trees provide shade and shelter, timber for construction, fuel for cooking and heating, and fruit for food as well as having many other uses.

So basically, the planet needs trees on it and if they disappear we will all die. More importantly, without trees we wouldn’t be able to hack them to pieces and make them into logs for our hearths and campfires.

That’s right. No trees means no smores.

And that, my friends is why, when idiot developers come along to chop them all down, we Canadians (and Vermonters but let’s be real – they’re basically Canadians born abroad) wrap our passive aggressive, self righteous, compassionate, intelligent and evolved and possibly chained little arms around them in protest. We are trying to save their lives, and yours.

You’re welcome.

Canadians are not Tree-huggers. They just still have the will to live.


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