Because Facebook Isn’t Real Life

Because Facebook Isn’t Real Life

I know that talking about Facebook is so old and done, but I still keep finding myself surprised by how seriously people take it.

“You didn’t like the video I posted yesterday. Why? I thought you like goats.”

” I do like goats. I didn’t see your video.”

“Yes, on Facebook. I posted it yesterday.”

“Yeah, I understood that. I just didn’t see it.”

“You didn’t look on my page? It’s on my page. I posted it around 2pm. Go see. And like it.”

” Okay but I don’t actually go look at my friends pages. I mean, I see a few things in my newsfeed when I sign in but I don’t go looking for my friends to see what they’ve been up to.”

“Really? Why not? Don’t you care about your friends?”

“I’m here with you right now. Because I care. I like you. Isn’t that more meaningful?”




“Man, I have been dealing with some serious idiots on Facebook these days, it’s exhausting!”

“Dealing with? What do m.. I mean wh… how d.. What??”

People “deal” with people on Facebook?

Like actually dealing with people (i.e.: negotiations, conflict resolution, consoling them (actual consolation, not just clicking the sad emoji and a heart), and bartering, buying and selling to and from them?

Or do you mean “dealing” with them, as in banging your head on your computer keyboard while chanting “I CAN’T. I CAN’T. I CAN’T ” in robo-monotone, because if you’re subjected to even one more day of the constant barrage of simultaneously ranty and narcissistic status updates, passive aggressive memes, and kitten vids, you’re going to stab yourself in the eye with your cocktail straw?

Because if it’s the first one… really? No you don’t and no you haven’t.

And if it’s the second one – Stop it. Facebook isn’t even real life.

Real life is real conversations, where you can hear each other’s voices and look into each other’s eyes. Two things that help prevent people from name-calling, un-friending and most, but not all, unwelcome naked-body-part-exposition.

Real life is fun. Or so I’m told. It’s been a while for me but I thought I’d give it a whirl.

I used to host dinner parties all the time but now that I own 648473 pets, and our apartment is likely about 96% comprised of dog fur and blobs of cat hair, I’m too embarrassed to invite anyone over anymore.

Also, I’m kind of a busy gyal, and my schedule often changes without warning so I find it really hard to make time to socialize.

Also most of my friends are Facebook drones and very resistant/afraid to come back to the real world.

So, I was thinking that maybe I could somehow marry Facebook life with real life, and then incorporate real life into my even realer life.

And this is what I came up with: Random announcements of what I’m doing, and where I’m doing it – accompanied by general invitations to Facebook… to join me.

I could mix it up a bit. I could alternate between errands that need to be run, work tasks, and leisure activities.

I was thinking my first one could be something like…

“At the YMCA in half an hour. Bring active-wear. Meet me on the treadmills and act like you didn’t know I was going to be there.”

Because having a workout buddy is motivating. Just ask my friend Mel, who used to jog with me in the mornings. Before she got bored of me and left me (for Pokemon Go) to motivate myself… leading me to becoming  27 inches rounder, 10 pounds heavier and consequently 2 inches shorter.

Thanks Mel. You’re the best.

“Surprise! It’s bring a friend to work day! I’m walking around the neighbourhood handing out flyers for the upcoming community meeting. I’ll be dragging my feet up and down Chestnut street for the next hour and a half. Bring tape or thumbtacks, nimble fingers, and a grandé soy latte.”

Because it occurred to me recently, when I was soliciting my Facebook friends for donations for a Christmas party that my clients are organizing, that a lot of my friends don’t even know that I’m a community organizer, and may have thought that I was literally just begging for food and toys.

A lot of those friends don’t even know that red isn’t my favourite colour anymore, that I prefer pie over cake, that I am passionate about collaging, or that I only love everything pumpkin in theory (because it’s a pretty colour and symbolizes autumn), but not really (I only like pumpkin in decorations, gardens, and pie – because it smells weird and certainly has no business being in coffee ever) – much less know what I do for work.

“The Secret Life Of Pets. 2pm today. Cineplex. Wear your favourite pyjamas. *BYOPC.”

Because who doesn’t love a matinée?


“Another thrilling dentist visit this afternoon. Come dressed to entertain. Bring whatever short stories you would like to read to me. And your wallet!”

Just as an experiment you know? Just to see if anyone shows up. This is NOT a test. Not a friendship test. It’s a totally non-obligatory experiment. Just for fun. Just to see.

What do you think? Genius right? Okay maybe genius is too strong a word but clever no? Cool? Cool-ish? What Ev ER. If you’re living in an app, it’s time to stop dealing with Rumi Quotes, celebrity gossip and fake news, sign out of fb, and deal with real life!

The secret life of pets is totally real life. yes it is. yes it is!

Are you in?!? Say yes!!! You know you want this! Yes you do!!

See you at the movies!

*Buy your own popcorn


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