♪ Waiting in the waiting room ♪
in The awesomeness that is the inner workings of my somewhat disturbed and unarguably juvenile mind.
as Derma wand, finger condom, free band-aids, Jennifer Chapman, Jennifer June, sheer boredom, talking majhi, The Lady's Lounge, walk-in clinic
Yesterday we waited 3 hours before asking the receptionist how much longer.
We were coughed on, sneezed on and educated quite thoroughly on Rheumatoid Arthritis and Irritable Bowel Syndrome before leaving.
“I can’t tell you exactly m’am” droned the receptionist, in time with her rolling eyes, “But it will be at least 2 hours still.”
“Boring!” announced my daughter
“It doesn’t hurt that much, I’m going to school.” And she did.
At 8am this morning it did hurt that much so we went to a different clinic.
We caught 4 flues 6 colds and 3 non communicable viruses, ogled babies and criticized wardrobe.
We commented on the renovations, admired the new flat screen T.V., used the bathroom out of sheer boredom, changed seats twice and went out for coffee and a croissant.
We watched what may have been the worst cooking show with the ugliest host and hostess preparing the grossest meals on earth, a terrible french talk show, and a sixteen hour long infomercial for the Derma Wand; In which clients were offered the choice between the wand or $1000.00.
They all (of course) chose the wand. This is intended to prove how awesome the product is but sadly only proves how stupid some consumers are, as the Derma Wand is only four payments of $29.99 each and comes with a free DVD valued at $10.00. So… yeah.
The guy in the chair next to me was a little on the young side but cute enough to look at. Not cute enough, however, to be snuggling up to me the way he was.
First rubbing elbows, then thigh pressed against thigh, then basically just napping on top of me. When I shifted positions he made a call on his cell talking Majhi. He tried to make it look important but was clearly just trying to lure me with his sophisticated exotic tongue. Nice try buddy…
He curls up to the wall to doze off again, pressing his butt cheek against mine and wiggling his way closer to my womb with every fake heaving sigh.
“Chloé Coooozner?” Calls the doctor.
“Mom.”
“That’s not your name.”
“Mom”
“What kind of name is Coooozner?”
“MOM!”
The doctor is an adorable little Vietnamese man in his 70′s maybe.
“My daughter burned her leg with a stick of incense and it hurts more this week
than it did last week.”
“HA!” He blurts, “What are you? Hindu?”
“What if I was?” She responds dryly.
He pokes her with a finger condom, hands me two band-aids and a prescription
for polysporin and is still laughing to himself and miming a strange prayer ritual as we walk out of his office…
“Hindu incense..hehe”
I curse under my breath for the two days lost, over a tube of cream that we already have in the medicine cabinet, wave at the baby who is there because he was bit by another baby at day care, and wink at my new lover on the way out.
Six and a half hours of waiting in waiting rooms, all for two free band-aids.
Give it to me baby
in The awesomeness that is the inner workings of my somewhat disturbed and unarguably juvenile mind.
as Jennifer Chapman, Jennifer June, Lonely housewives, not enough sex, reignite the passion, The Lady's Lounge, women who want sex more than men
So…
I went to a dinner party not that long ago and I have to say, it was one of many that found it’s way to the conversation of sex and how women felt they just weren’t getting enough of it. Some who hadn’t had any in months, others who hadn’t had any in YEARS, all of whom who were in committed relationships and/or even married.
But…
I thought men were supposed to be insatiable horn-dogs that wake up every morning with raging hard-ons and chase their wives around relentlessly all day and night, trying to get some action. I thought it was the wives who were too busy washing their hair and getting headaches, driving their poor husband’s to have torrid affairs with their secretaries, nannies, pool boys etc…
What if it’s not true, has this society imposed cliché actually done nothing more than smother men’s libidos with the pressure to be sex obsessed perverts and create insecure self doubting, crazy-making wives/girlfriends?
I think that most of us suffer from the odd drought from time to time and I think we might all be a little bit to blame. I think we are tired and lazy and I think that even when we are aroused, many of us think about sex and follow that thought up with…
but then I’d have to move or…shower.
It’s so much easier to effortlessly sink a little deeper into the couch and watch another episode of Mad Men. It’s kind of like having sex anyway isn’t it?
As I have mentioned in the past, I also think we expect a little much from our partners at times. I for one have been shocked by the surprise that sometimes it takes more than simply being female and laying in the bed next to a guy to get the fireworks going.
But some ladies are genuinely making an effort, they have stopped wearing granny panties and bought some real lingerie and still aren’t seeing results. They have coquettishly but fruitlessly flirted, sprained their eyelashes, hinted, suggested and possibly even begged.
So here’s the thing. If I’m stumbling on an average of 75% percent of non-single women who range from peckish to sexually starving, there has to be about a bazillion others out there and they need your help.
I don’t mean the kind of help that you can get from any issue of Cosmopolitan either.
Light candles and put on Barry white isn’t real advice and neither is turn off the T.V.
What do you do when your guy is more interested in his laptop than your lap dance? how does one reignite the spark when it has faded or died out
completely?
And men please! I know you’re reading this. Leave your comment anonymously if you’re shy, but please feel free to leave one just the same. Go on now, enlighten the ladies.
*But people please, no comments about how your man is a multi-orgasmic love stallion who gives it to you 10 times on a slow day. Nobody cares, nobody believes you and you may unnecessarily cause some women to file for divorce or at least get so drunk this afternoon that they forget to pick up the kids from school so zip it.
I used to wonder why I was single…
in The awesomeness that is the inner workings of my somewhat disturbed and unarguably juvenile mind.
as audits, Christmas, Credit Systems, Jennifer Chapman, Masturbation, pre-owned, Self Gratification, Singles
So… I used to wonder why I was single for all those years and then tripped over an email correspondence with a boy I met through an online dating service. If this was my way of flirting I guess I didn’t really stand a chance did I? It’s a wonder I trapped the guy I [...]
