My new pink what now?

So… just when I thought my list of things to feel insecure about was about long enough…

My New Pink Button ™ is a temporary dye to restore the youthful pink colour back to your labia. ”

Why? What’s wrong with my labia?? Not pink enough for who?

Apparently My New Pink Button was created by a certified Paramedical Esthetician after she discovered her own genital colour loss. “While looking online for a solution she discovered thousands of other women asking the same questions regarding their color loss.”

FOR REAL??? Because when I searched the internet for labia colour loss, what I found was a million adds for My new Pink Button. Hmmm…

The website suggests that we go dancing this weekend and remember to bring our labia colourant along! It then goes on to say that the system includes disposable applicators, a mixing dish, labia colourant and instructional guide.

Sure, because if there’s room for a compact, there’s room for a chemistry set…right?

While the other ladies in the club powder room freshen up their lipstick
I’m going to drop trou, straddle the counter and start beckoning the rosy tones of my love garden.

The claim is that it is easy to use – applies in just one minute – and your pink is back!

FUN! And whether it’s YOUR pink or a rash/infection/reaction to the chemical dip is irrelevant really… isn’t it? As long as your labia looks hot and hungry for action.

And then, as if simply existing weren’t enough, the dye comes in 4 lovely lady shades,

Audry is the deepest, darkest color that they offer,

Ginger combines with darker skin tones,

Bettie brings out that “sexy hot pink, I am fired up, look” and

Marilyn is the lightest of their colors. “Good for beginners who want to make a slight change fresh color change in their appearance”.

WHAT??? Why would you even bother painting your beave in mystery chemicals at all..EVER for only a SLIGHT change of colour?

“Why honey your labia looks ever so slightly pinker than usual tonight, that’s really hot. I think my boner looks slightly bigger than usual don’t you?”

And by the way, doesn’t the labia naturally turn a deeper shade or 3 when your aroused anyway? I’m pretty sure it does.

They also boast that their Products are Never Tested on Animals.
Really?

So you didn’t paint any rodent labia just to make-sure? Awesome!

That comes as a massive comfort to my bunny loving, animal activist self but sadly, even if I did have an oh-my-god-my-labia-isn’t-pink-enough complex, I’m not all together comfortable using a product on any part of me, least of all the delicate lady bits, made by
a company that thinks that my “button” is my labia. Maybe doctor Mari has bigger things to worry about than the colour of her lips. I’m just saying… buy a map.

Jennifer June