Things I don’t love #564

“Hey Frenchie!! C’mere!”

I guess sensitivity training and How Not To Be A Racist Dick were not offered at Border Patrol school huh?

Things I don’t love #564 Going through customs.

She turns to a sweet old Chinese couple,

“Are you sure you don’t have anything to declare? No weird litchis or funky prickly cucumbers or anything?”

I clung to my lunch bag, white knuckling my sprout salad.

“Anything to declare?”

Her fat, pasty, sourpuss face, pock-marked and blotched with glossy patches of Rosacea,


I don’t fully understand why or how we get to claim whole countries, set up random stalls and then dictate who is allowed to pass them and what qualifies them to do so.

It feels like a childish game.

“You can only pass if you have 6 acorns and 2 hot wheels and a juice box”


“You may go”

“Thanks, oh and by the way, you’re an ugly doody-head”

“Okay, now you can’t pass AND I’m going to tie you up and put you in the tree-house until snack time!”

I find this especially bizarre in places like North America, where the people who rule these borders AREN’T ACTUALLY FROM HERE.


We travel across the world, crawl up on shore, beat the shit out of everyone who lives there already, and then make up these rules about who else is allowed to come hang out here, backed up with fear tactics and threats of terrorism and swaddled in promise of security and world peace and what-have-you.

Honestly, I’m thinking that terrorizing colonizing
the natives, holding them hostage, refusing to let them speak their language, inflicting religion on them, stealing their children, raping, pillaging, murdering etc… it’s a little terrorist-y in itself…

Am I wrong?

All right, so it is what it is, and now we have border crossings and I get that there is a strategy in place here but will we really psych people out enough to get them to admit they’re sneaking 4 litres of milk and pack of Marlboros into the country?

I mean, do you seriously think that by calling somebody names or accusing them of loving Bok Choy, you’re going to mind-fuck the terrorist out of them?

Really? REALLY?

Because if Homeland Security’s deeply thought-out interrogation tactics, meant to protect an entire nation from destruction and all that is evil, including terrorists, immigrants and gypsy moths, consists of asking if somebody is secretly harbouring any “funky prickly cucumbers” they might want to rethink things.

I’m just saying…

Jennifer June