Got the call this morning informing me that the organization that I work for is in the same financial situation as last year, meaning they might not have the money to keep me, and 2 other employees, on past September.
The coordinator on the other end of the line was a bit taken aback by my enthusiasm.
“Good stuff!” I chirped, while visions of unemployment insurance cheques danced in my head.
The timing of the call was perfect, what with me being in one of my somewhat manic states these days. I say somewhat manic because it’s all in my head. Big dreams, little action.
I get these rushes from time to time – I think it’s called inspiration – where I get sick and tired of curling up on the curb with a bagged bottle and watching life pass me by like a sick and twisted parade of unfortunate events. I realize that I have my whole life ahead of me and I get all righteous about not taking it for granted anymore.
The trigger can be anything from an earth shattering event, to the most superficial of things. I’ll listen to the new Tenacious D album, or eat a killer spring roll, or perform in a brilliant burlesque show, or watch an episode of Weeds, and next thing you know, I’ve got writing exercises and index boxes and self portraits, and my mountain of crushed dreams laid out before me, on the kitchen table.
1.Get Head Shots
2. Acting agent
3. 13 finished songs ready for recording
4. Create 3 new Burlesque Acts – Including new music
5. Finish Writing Book that I started 10 years ago
6. Finish Writing One-Woman-Play that I started 8 years ago
7. Lead in a full-length feature film
8. Recurring role on episodic –preferably comedy, or True Blood, or Weeds, or Mad Men, or a series of Animal documentaries.
9.Merch for Burlesque Shows
10. Quit day job (or get laid off)
11. Publish a Vegan Cookbook
12. Sand and stain liquor cabinet
13. Re-Name the cat
14. Learn how to swim
15. Learn how to nap
16. Get mobbed by paparazzi
I’m pumped and motivated and rearing and ready to go and then subsequently paralyzed because I have no idea where to start or what to do or which of my aspirations in life are realistic and which are ridiculous pipe dreams.
*Also, . I need a life-planner, a manager, an agent and a personal assistant, just to get the dishes done around here, never mind an actual career of any sort.
So instead of taking the epiphany and running with it, I lament my lack of energy and funding. I feel sorry for myself for not having the right “contacts”, and I watch a marathon of documentaries about celebrities who went from rags to riches by merely being in the right place at the right time. This usually subdues me into a comfortable state of depression.
I used to be excited by these moments of clarity but now I greet them with an eyore-esque tone –
“ Oh, you again…..”
I pull out the loose-leaf, mutter to myself about romantic notions and irresponsibility, and start charting the baby-steps required to achieve my goals.
Here I go (again, again, again…) ready to take on the world, from the comfort of my sofa, with a box full of pencil crayons and Jack Black crooning through my headphones.
Maybe one of these days it will take….
*Does anyone know where I can find a a life-planner, a manager, an agent and a personal assistant, willing to work in exchange for cupcakes?