So two of my monsters are leaving the nest. One for the second time.
My heart feels broken in a billion pieces.
For the last 20 years of my life, regardless of everything else I have done and accomplished, my whole and entire life has revolved around my girls. Our family.
I had dreams for us that I have yet to fulfill.
We never did go to Disneyland.
We never moved to California, or Europe…
We never had a family portrait done!
I never taught them how to bake pineapple upside-down cake!
They never taught me how to make wine!
My friends talk about their 5 year old children and it hurts me deep inside.
I used to be that mom!! I was the mom crying at the school concerts, packing juice boxes, telling bedtime stories, kissing bobos….
Now I watch them dress up like “grown-ups” and head out to fill out apartment applications and credit requests.
I’m proud of them. I really am. It warms my heart to see them pounding the pavement, job-hunting and persevering after seeing 12 unfit apartments and being rejected by the landlords of 12 others.
I try to be supportive, I really do.
“Wow, sweetie, the place looks perfect for you two. I really hope you get it because… What?? Gas? No. That’s just not an option. Gas stoves have fire. You’ll catch on fire! Sorry, you can’t take that one. You just can’t you’ll have to ask them to cancel your application. 5th floor? Not going to happen! What if the elevator gets stuck and… what? You can’t take the stairs! What if….”
Gone are my 3 little babies, replaced by 3 adolescents, weaning themselves off mom-dependence, spreading their little baby wings wide open and toppling dangerously close to the edge of the nest, exercising their independence, huffing and puffing, rolling their terrible eyes, roaring their terrible roars and gnashing their terribly expensive teeth.
Now they talk to me like I’m an underprivileged, illiterate door-stop (as opposed to the over-privileged, literate variety)
“Ugh.. Mom, No offence but A LOT has changed since you were my age…”
fight the urge to smack them upside the head hug them like an anaconda and infuse them with love, acceptance and self-worth.
Now they leave dirty clothes from one end of the house to the other, skip school and forget to come home at night.
They steal my make-up, my jewellery, and my clothes and drain every ounce of my energy with their incessant bickering and fighting and threats to get jobs at massage parlours and strip clubs and…
They could probably both fit in here if they pack light… right?