For the last few weeks, I’ve been harassing myself to revise/refresh my “Life Plan”. It’s on my To Do list every day but keeps getting bumped to the next page in my agenda.
I put a ton of pressure on myself to have it done before we left for Sweden but as it turns out, I don’t respond well to be aggressed. Not even by my self.
Tuesday I gave myself permission to do it on Wednesday’s trip. What with our 5 hour layover in New York in the morning and then 8 hour flight. I figured there would be plenty of time for nostalgia, regret, and life-planning.
I go through this often, but there has been a particularly panicked feeling accompanying my drive to get organized lately. I think it has something to do with the passing comment I dropped a few weeks ago. The one about how I’m too old to do most of the things that I dreamed my whole life of doing.
It seems I’ve hurt my own feelings again, subsequently giving myself something to prove.
Most of my negative core beliefs about myself and my future are unfounded but the dream, since I was in utero, of becoming a famous Hollywood Movie Star is probably somewhat out of my reach now that I”m almost 42 (yikes!) years old.
Although, I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t take it as a clear message from the universe when Marie-Hélène showed up at my place with this beauty in hand, on Sunday night.
“I like it,”
She assured me,
“after it numbs all of the taste buds in your mouth, it’s quite nice…”
And it was, after the burning sensation… or any sensation at all really… died down.
Also, we washed the Fame down with these Vegan Cherry Cream Cupcakes that I made early that day, and I have to say, they were pretty f@£€ing brilliant.
As it turned out, our layover in New York was closer to 6 or 7 hours long, on account of a ferocious thunder and fork-lightening storm but I was so stoned with exhaustion and stress that I didn’t get anything done at all, in the Life-Planning kind of way.
Due to our visit here in Sweden having been completely jam packed with excitement and activity since the moment our feet hit the ground, there haven’t been any quiet moments for mindful self-reflection, let alone planning out of my entire future, but I will absolutely and most definitely take some time to at least get it started.
And, while I’m still not entirely sure what that plan will entail, I assure you, it will include plenty more cupcakes. Nuff said.
I’m going to bed to rest up for tomorrow’s family day at the beach.