Spent another long ass day at the hospital yesterday and I would like to say for the record that I am not any more a fan of the rectal exam as I was last time NOR am I pregnant.

Doctor: Are you sure you’re not pregnant?

Me: Ha ha ha. Yes I’m sure.

Doctor: How?

Me: I haven’t had sex since my last 160987 periods and I have an IUD and also did I mention that I don’t have sex?

Doctor: Er…

Me: Seriously. I’m a basically a nun… on birth control… who always has her period. All true except for the last part… Praise the baby Jesus. Amen.

Doctor: Um…

Me: I don’t even fantasize about sex when I masturbate anymore. I imagine acceptance letters from credit card companies, vacations in Hawaii, somebody else cleaning the litter box etc… but never sex. Okay, that’s a lie. I may have had imaginary virtual sex with a fictional werewolf (as opposed to the real kind) last night but I’m pretty sure that doesn’t count.

Doctor: Ms. Chapman,

Me: No really, if I’m pregnant it will be the most divine intervention known to man and the entire spirit world but if you don’t believe me give me a cup or a stick or a leg to pee on. I’ll do it.

Doctor: Thank you.

The test was negative.

So what’s wrong with me this time? You ask.

I’ve lost 10 lbs in the last 2 weeks, for no apparent reason.

You’re wondering why this bothers me? Well if I felt fantastic I would just thank the powers that be and continue merrily losing a pound a day and loving my new skinnier life but sadly, I feel weak and light headed and shaky and my stomach gets mad at me every time I eat… or don’t eat… or think about eating… or not eating. Good times.

The great news is that I have to go back to the hospital on Monday for more probing and poking and testing and chatting about Celiac, Crohn’s and some other digestive affliction that I forget the name of but sounds almost as awesome. And let me tell you, I am just thrilled to the core about it. In fact, I wish it was already Monday. In the meantime I can only pray that this weekend flies by and that the gastroenterologist will also want to stick his finger in my bum because who doesn’t love that? Who?