Home Is Where De Hogeweyk Is

You know how I have been doing a healthy bunch of bitching (both here and on facebook) about how the Duchess of Douchebaggery and her band of merry burqa biters are inspiring so many Quebecers to put out the fire, pack up, and decamp?

And you know how, for 435786 years now I have been obsessing about getting out of this very cold but really pretty province that is run by a mob of racist, anti-educational, anti-multicultural, anti-anglo, paranoid-delusional fear mongering sociopaths?

And you know how what I do know is that I want to leave, but what I don’t know is where to leave to, or how to get there, or who I have to sleep with to get a visa to live there?

Well, despite still not knowing how to get legal status there, I think I might have found my dream destination.

Thing 1 flew the nest and moved to Vancouver.

Some friends crossed the border to Ontario.

Others crossed the real border over to the United States of America. Yep.

My friend Miranda has been planning, for some time now, on moving to Hawaii.

I’ve been planning, for just as long, to hide in her luggage and follow her there.

Until (last night), when she posted a link to a story that manifested a giant imaginary cartoon light bulb over my head.

Apparently, there is a village in Holland for people JUST LIKE ME.

In the village, there are 23 houses featuring seven different “lifestyle categories”

There is an aristocratic / upper class style, with ornate chandeliers, lace tablecloths, reproduction furniture, and a kitchen discreetly concealed behind a screen where, apparently, the carers behave like servants.

And other 6 themes include other stuff that I can’t remember because the one I just told you about has carers.

Who behave like servants

which is pretty much my most favourite go-to special-alone-time fantasy and if ever there were a reason to throw caution to the wind and let yourself live your wild fantasies out, servants would be that very reason.

Also, at De Hogeweyk (otherwise known as Hogewey) there are no cars or buses.

But, there are bicycles.

Picture 5

So basically Hogewey is a gated a 4 acre gated village in The Netherlands, where it is currently 9 degrees above zero. Instead of 2 trillion degrees below (as it is 9 months out of the year, here in Montreal),

There are wide boulevards, cosy side-streets, squares, sheltered courtyards, well-tended gardens with ponds, reeds and a profusion of wild flowers, a cafe, restaurant, theatre, minimarket and hairdressing salon.

And on this land live people who no longer have to give a shit where they put their keys,

or get scared if they put the milk on the their dresser and their wallet in the fridge,

or feel embarrassed that when searching for the word bathtub, they accidentally say mongoose.

Because none of that matters anymore.

Now all I have to do is oil my bike chain, pack my bags, and find a Dutch who will marry me.

Jennifer June


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