So, yesterday was HILARIOUS.
because my life is pretty much one nauseatingly long Hollywood Romantic Comedy. Only without the glitz and the glamour and the prestige and the agent and the pay check and the Hollywood and the romance and the comedy…
Lowlights of my day included:
Finding out, the embarassing way, that my debit card had been frozen when I was too far from my bank branch and it was too late in the day to do anything about it.
And also that the branch manager, Sylvie, who was apparently the only human on earth I could discuss my top-secret card freezing information with, wasn’t in yesterday.
And apparently she is the only one who can unfreeze it because she moisturizes her keyboard fingers with magical homeopathic lotion that is derived of unicorn blood, every morning noon and night.
But apparently not only she can freeze it in the first place because the freezing took place yesterday and she was apparently not there yesterday.
I’m saying yesterday but it’s actually today, as I write this, or tonight rather but this will be published for your amusement tomorrow so I’m calling it yesterday. But it’s really today.
That I’m writing this.
At 11:11 pm.
Which is no small feat by the way, since I have this new thing where, every day, right around the stroke of 4PM, as the light shifts, I quite abruptly turn what I can only assume is considered legally blind.
But I’m still writing this, squinting and craning and blinking and wearing the wrong glasses that feel like they are burning holes into my head.
That’s how much I love you.
OH MY GOD, GET TO THE STORY ALREADY!!
Right! So! Instead of smashing things and screaming and yelling and crying and all that other good stuff, I merely shit on my facebook status, enjoyed some cheerleading and moral support from my friends,
and made my way to the gym,
where I pummeled the treadmill for 40 minutes,
and pretended to lift some weights.
And then I creeped some other members out,
by taking this picture of myself in the change room:
To illustrate that after 3 whole visits back to the gym, I still don’t have any muscles in my arm.
And to show you that I’m not afraid to be ugly for you.
Except for I noticed how pale my hand was and thought that was really gross and considered deleting it.
Because being sweaty and frizzy is one thing but pale hands….
But then I realized that it’s not so much that my hand is pale, as it is that my face is lobster red. And that the lighting and contrast are wonky and as a result creating the illusion that I have a rosy pink complexion and a grossly pale zombie hand So…
Highlights of my day included:
1. Thing 3 reminding me that it didn’t matter if we had no money to buy food for supper tonight because I still had an SAQ (liquor store in Quebec) gift card from Christmas in my wallet.
2. Me redeaming said gift certificate and still having $30.00 left on it afterwards – Awwwwww yeah… livin’ big.
3. Me literally peeing my pants in response to Thing 3′s dramatization of:
the cat delicately eating her supper, by pulling one piece out of the bowl at a time, the dog running into the dining room and stressing the cat out by trying to jump up and steal her food, the cat smacking the dog in the face and then (because who wouldn’t) the dog spontaneously pooping on the dining room floor, to which the cat responds by, without missing a beat, projectile vomiting at the dog, who tries to catch the pre-chewed cat kibble on her tongue.
I kid you not. I wouldn’t lie to you about this kind of stuff. I peed my pants.
In fact, I peed my pants at the precise moment that my knees gave out under me and I fell convulsing with laughter to the kitchen floor.
Can I just tell you also that one of the highlights of my present life is the trainer that I have acquired at the Gym, who is a feisty older gentlemen with peck control that would even, if possible, put miss Amber Ray to shame, and who laughs and taunts me in his thick Barbados accent..
“Hey! What did I tell you? Huh? I don train noa babies!”
And if I have proven anything to myself (today) yesterday, it is that I am no baby…
or at least that wine fixes everything.