I don’t know WHAT I was thinking when I cried over my little birdies leaving the nest.
I KNEW they’d be back, along with the trail of wreckage in their wake.
Gone (again) are the days when the house looks the same when I get home from work as it did when I left mere hours earlier.
Gone are the days of sleeping uninterrupted (The dog is REALLY good at letting me know that there is an intruder sneaking in the house at 2am) sleep.
And here is the day that not 1 but 2 things have come back home to mama, all their prize possessions – in garbage bags – in tow.
Okay fine, I’m being dramatic.
I haven’t had uninterrupted sleep since 1991. Even for the 5 minutes that all three kids were away from home, there was always the zoo here to keep me awake. Cat’s licking themselves loudly next to my head, or walking across my face at all hours in protest of an empty water bowl, a dog banging around in the crate, or yelling at me that it’s time to get up!!!!
The good thing about this is…
Remember the other day when I told you about how Jo and the things promised to do the 5k Color me Rad run with me in May?
And remember how I said that things 2 and 3 would probably bail on me on account of them never ever running, except for maybe for a bus, once in a blue moon?
Well now that their home…. we can train together!!
Speaking of which,
Remember how I told you that Jo has been planning to call in sick on the day of the race which is in exactly 1 MONTH from tomorrow?
Well ever since I published that post, she’s taken up a serious interest in running and we’ve been training together. Awesome right?
And her new thing is being an overachieving show-off who runs 65948 kilometers a day. Which is amazing!
Okay, I’m not going to lie. The other day, instead of being proud of her and cheering her on, I muttered hateful curse words at her as she left me in her dust on the bike path.
But I’ve decided to take the high road.
It’s awesome that she’s decided to share my goal with me.
No really, it’s great. She needed to get
off facebook the couch candycrush some sun and fresh air, and I love having a friend who not only supports my dreams but encourages me to reach for them.
So instead of being a giant baby, laying in a ball on the bathroom floor, crying into my dog’s belly about how Jo is a dream-stealing monster, sucking the wind from my sails,
I’m going to keep running with her, praising her, encouraging her, and pretending I’m super proud of her.
And then, two days before the race I’m going to trip her just hard enough that she’s not seriously hurt, but just enough that she can’t run the 5K.
And I’ll run it with thing 2 and thing 3, who will be running so slow and stopping every three blocks for a cigarette, that I’ll look like a track and field super star, and I’ll dedicate my medal to Jo, and cry on video, about how painful it was to run the race without her.
WIN. WIN. WIN.
In other news,
My mom fell down a flight of stairs a couple of days ago, banging her head on a stone wall and falling unconscious.
She is concussed, her head is being held together by 6 giant staples and she has fractured her neck.
“I’m just so grateful that it’s not any worse than it is”
she responded, when I asked how she was feeling emotionally.
a) My mother is a Goddess
And the fact that she could go through something so traumatizing, and scary, and be in so much pain, and still just be thankful because “it could have been so much worse”. Leaves me in absolute awe and admiration.
b) I want you all to know two things.
1. I’ll be in Boston this weekend, partying with my mom.
2. Your body is your temple. Keep it pure and clean for the soul to reside in.
Don’t take it for granted.
And if you feel like you absolutely can’t hold back from boring the crap out of your friends, acquaintances, and family members, by spreading monotonous toxic and negative slop all over the internet and constantly bitching about and disrespecting your temple in facebook status updates, for being achy, stiff, sneezy, and snuffly.
Ask a good friend to kick you down a flight of stairs.
You know… for perspective.
Remember last week when I wrote a post responding to Chuck Henderson’s article called
50 Things Every Woman Should Realize About Men, and I promised you I’d respond to it, 10 things at a time for the next 5 weeks?
11. He Wants To Try Anal
He might never ask for it, but he wants it. And odds are, most, if not all of his former girlfriends wouldn’t let him. Let him have it at least once, maybe on his birthday. It’ll be a bonding experience.
First, not all men want it. Some men refuse to do it. Some men even think it’s gross. I know, it’s hard to imagine a man who isn’t intrigued by poop but, as few and far between as they may be, they do exist.
Also: The anus is surrounded by a muscle, called the anal sphincter. Aggressive and/or repetitive anal sex often leads to the weakening of the anal sphincter.
And: The tissue inside the anus is not as well protected as the skin outside the anus which leaves it particularly vulnerable to tearing and the spread of infection.
I’m not saying that anal can’t ever be fun, or safe. But I am saying that not all women think that a man’s fascination with her butt-hole is worth the risk of intense pain, the increased risk of contracting hepatitis, herpes, HIV,etc… and/or a future of incontinence.
Out of curiosity Chuck, how many of those dudes do you think will stick around after he renders his woman diaper dependent?
12. He Wants To Bang Your Friends
I’m not saying he’ll do it, but he wants to. Don’t take it personally—he’s wanted to bang 90% of all the women he’s ever met. It’s really not that big a deal. Let him know you know and watch how red he gets.
She wants to bang your friends too Chuck. I’m not saying she’ll do it, but I am saying that she probably will bang your brother, if she hasn’t already.
13. You Should Learn To Play Pool
There’s nothing hotter than a chick who can beat you in pool.
We know how to play pool Chuck. We just pretend we don’t so you can feel like a man and “teach” us how. We know how much you guys like to feel needed and it’s such an easy way to boost your self-esteem…
14. He Wants You To Seduce Him
Yes, he probably likes sex more than you do, but you want him to be happy, right? Don’t wait for him to instigate every time. Surprise him every once in a while.
Likewise buddy. And guess what. We like sex just as much as you do. But scratching your balls, farting, and sticking our hands on your crotch to show us the boner you just got from seeing Sandra Bullock on TV isn’t actually considered seduction.
15. He Notices When You Don’t Wear The Jewelry He Bought You
If you don’t like it, for Christ’s sake, say so and let him try again. It seems ungrateful when you wear it once and then he never sees it again.
16. He Wants You To Need Him
Sure, you’re an independent lady and he likes that. But he also wants to feel useful. So let him change a light bulb and open pickle jars for you. It boosts his self-esteem.
Uh huh, only we need the jar opened now, not in two weeks, if he gets around to it, which is why we let him “teach” us how to play pool last night instead.
17. You’ve Got To Watch Your Weight
Oh shit, did I really say that? Well, it’s true. Just because you landed him doesn’t mean you can eat whatever you want and stop going to the gym (and to be fair, neither can he).
Chuck is never afraid to tell it the way he sees it. But he is apparently afraid to show his face for some reason…
18. If You’ve Been Living Together For Longer Than Three Years, He’s Not Going To Marry You
At that point, he already considers himself married, and the idea of a wedding is more of a hassle than the special day it is to you. You can try to force him into it if you want, but…
I’m thinking that if you want to keep your woman, you might want to show her that she’s worth the “hassle”. I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to but…
19. Ultimatums Do NOT Work
Any time you try to force a guy to do anything, he WILL resent you for it. Try an honest talk about how you feel and what you want out of the relationship before you give him an “either/or.”
“Honey, we need to talk…”
20. He Wants Kids
It’s hardwired into his DNA. No matter what he says when he’s in his twenties, when he gets a little older, he’s going to want a legacy to leave behind. But please make sure he’s ready before you stop taking your birth control.
Is it also hardwired into his DNA to insist the kid is not his son, leave his baby-mama for a younger dumber woman, refuse to pay child support and/or show up on his days to see the kid, and tell all his friend’s and family that his (now) ex is a psycho-bitch who never lets him see his kids even though she secretly got pregnant all by herself just to try to keep him because he’s just that much of a prize?
Tune in next week for 10 Reasons Why Chuck Henderson Needs To Get Gay
Do you hear that?
That’s the sound of anti-separatists exhaling, ordering another poutine, and streaming How To Lose A Guy In 10 days on Netflix. Again.
3 days ago people were packing their bags, booking flights, staging family escape drills, and threatening to live out their wildest dreams.
“If the PQ wins I’m moving to New Mexico! and that’s final!”
“If Quebec separates, I’m going to start my own political party and give this province a wake-up call!”
“If the Liberals lose I’m going to start breeding Bengal tigers once and for all!”
But then guess what.
The PQ didn’t win.
The threat of a referendum died.
And so did your dreams.
Granted, those of you planning to take job offers in Mississauga were probably only leaving the province for political reasons.
But the rest of you. You were using the election results as an excuse to do what you have been dying to do for ages and a lifetime, but couldn’t give yourself permission to do without justification.
Here’s the thing.
THIS IS YOUR LIFE.
You only get one of them.
Move to New Mexico.
Start your own political movement.
But please don’t breed anything. There’s enough of everything on the planet already. Well, except for North African Elephants, Dodo birds, and Malagasy Aardvarks, but still, animals aren’t hobbies. They’re living beings.
Honestly, don’t even breed people if you can avoid it. There are tons of those too, and millions who need loving passionate parents like you. Buy some of those.
“I guess we don’t have to move to Hawaii anymore…”
We totally NEED to move to Hawaii! You know why?
Because “WE” NEED to eat fresh mangoes off the trees, and play ukelele, and go surfing every day, and live in a place where racial and ethnic lines are often blurred or deemed irrelevant, and there is no Daylight Savings Time!
What I’m trying to say here is:
Don’t get comfortable.
Don’t let the wind out of your sails.
Live like the PQ won people!
Only less angry and discouraged.
Give yourself permission to do the things you were going to do (on April 6th) when you thought that life as you know it was about to change forever.
Go! Now! That’s an order!