Bart, that’s what my sister called her dad. His name is Brent. He and my mother got together when I was tiny, like two or something.
People used to tell us we looked so much a like and that I had his eyes. I thought that was funny, since we weren’t related by blood, but he has nice eyes and I didn’t argue.
Sometimes I’m not sure if my memories are real or not, no matter how clear they are so I check with my parents.
“Brent, it’s Jen, do you remember a day, when I was really small, we were walking together and I picked up a piece of gum, off the sidewalk and ate it?”
“The one time? “
“Was there more than one time?”
“You were notorious for it.”
I still remember spitting the bits of gravel out while chewing it too.
I’m starting to doubt my mother’s claims that I was a gifted child. What’s the use of teaching yourself how to read when you’re three if you’re still eating gum off the sidewalk when you’re 5?
More than 30 years have past and here I am, a single mother of 3 gorgeous daughters to have undoubtedly made a pact with my mother, to see her threat through, that when I grow up I’ll have kids who are just like I was, as a child.
and was working as an intervention counselor at a womens’ shelter for about 5,000 years, and and was sliding dangerously close to burn out when I went on sick leave. I had been home for over a month trying to remember how to spell, so I could get this blog back up and running and maybe finish the book I started writing 8 years ago when I suddenly, and unexpectedly, found myself in the hospital fighting it out with Autoimmune Hemolytic Anemia instead.
Weeks of hospitalization, several blood transfusions and months later, my blood count is up and I’m out of the danger zone.
Unfortunately, I’ve yet to recover my energy and have come down with a handful of new symptoms so I get poked and prodded regularly, in search of an explanation for all this. The last barrage of tests were for Lupus, which I hear is even more fun than riding a unicorn over a rainbow and landing at a gnome’s pajama party/all you can eat tiki buffet.
This makes job hunting a bit of a challenge but I’m still at it. In the meantime, it gives me (lucky you) a bit more time to work on my book a little, in between naps, write this fascinating and fantastically entertaining blog about my life, my kids, my pets and my most recent bikini wax and It also gives me some time to get to know my crazy children a little better.
It turns out they’re actually pretty great kids and none of them eat gum off the sidewalk so I’ve decided to stop calling them thing one, thing two and thing three…as soon as I remember their real names.
1) When I am happy, drunk or just bored; I am loud and sometimes obnoxious.
2) When I am angry, I get quiet and withdrawn and insist I’m not mad (I’m fine).
3) When I am sad, I drink
gin wine and write mean funny stories and songs
about the person who
pissed me off may have hurt my feelings.
4) Apparently, when I am lying or attracted to somebody, I bite on my lower
5) I am afraid of heights and wasps.
6) I need to walk on the right side.
7) I have a tendency to overvalue the things that mean nothing to anybody else.
8 ) I am highly defensive and quick to put up walls.
9 ) I can’t remember any of the things that I read about.
10 ) I walk my kids to the bus stop, in the morning, in my pajamas.
11 ) I weigh more now than I did when I was pregnant. I complain about it, but
I keep on eating Toblerone and espresso for lunch.
12 ) I don’t return phone calls.
13 ) I am easily distracted (I like shiny things).
14 ) I am honest with my kids about sex, drugs, and Barbie.
15 ) I talk to my dog in a foreign accent from a country that doesn’t exist.
16 ) There are people I really don’t like, who I have never even met.
17 ) My back-up boyfriend/girlfriend is transparent, blue and operates on AA batteries.
18 ) I love Pat Benetar
19 ) I am anxious and have panic attacks when I feel cornered.
20 ) I enjoyed Moulin Rouge and I cried every time I saw it.
21 ) I’ve spent more than two thirds of my life on Fantasy Island.
22 ) I know how to fake many things but interest isn’t one of them.
23 ) I want to learn how to yodel.
24 ) I have a weakness for smart funny Jew-Boys.
25 ) I don’t have time for people who don’t agree with me
26 ) I lose my keys and/or wallet at some point of each and every day.
27 ) I wouldn’t be entirely apposed to having Russell Brand’s autograph across the wall of my womb in sperm.
28 ) Phones are for Phone Sex and emergencies and emergency phone sex only.
29 ) I am infatuated with Jack Black, and have been for years (see #24)
30 ) I enjoy peanut butter on iceberg lettuce.