Control versus Chinese Food
in The awesomeness that is the inner workings of my somewhat disturbed and unarguably juvenile mind.
as Jennifer June, parental control, single parenting, watching the children sleep
The pros to being a single parent include an entire category labeled CONTROL.
I’m not ashamed to admit it. Having control makes parenting so much easier.
I don’t mean actual control over your children or their behaviour, I’m not that delusional.
I mean control of parenting them.
Also, there is a certain truth about the saying if you want something done right, do it yourself.
My daughter cut her hand when she was 4 years old. It wasn’t serious so I sent my husband to the hospital
with her, to get her tetanus shot.
5 hours later they returned.
“How was the needle sweetie? Were you brave?”
“There was no needle, they didn’t give her one.”
“WHAT? WHY?”
“They said we don’t have rabies in Montreal.”
“Rab… please be joking”
“What?”
You have control over what they eat…
“because… hot dogs aren’t protein and she’s a vegetarian!”
And, if ever (heaven forbid) you break up…
“That is a lovely necklace sweetie. So who exactly is Elizabeth and why did daddy bring you to her house for a sleepover last night?”
At the same time…
Who else will stand in their bedroom doorway with you just to watch them sleep?
Who else will refer to the dog as one of the kids?
“Go get your sister’s leash and take her out back to poop”
Who else will endure the inevitable boredom of the School Christmas concert, snickering and making mean jokes with you about other parents and their children yet share a tear while your own child stands there disheveled and awkward, crooked bangs and missing teeth, singing Angels We Have Heard On High (horrifically off key) for the 4th year in a row?
Who else will force the kids to pick flowers, make you waffles and glue macaroni picture frames for mother’s day?
Don’t get me wrong, I get that I might be idealizing a little. I was on a team for years and it wasn’t all roses and rainbows. A few birthdays were overlooked, a few differences of opinion were had…
“yes… yes that is cheating.”
or
“Um.. actually, I said NO to getting a dog”
and…
“Yes it is, even over the internet, it most certainly is cheating.”
and even…
“I don’t know, maybe because it cost almost $30,000.00 and I feel like that’s something we could have discussed BEFORE you bought it”
It’s just kind of nice to know that,
when your kids are huffing and puffing, stripping you of your dignity and deflating your parental ego, there is somebody else on your team.
“Wanna go make-out hide under the bed and see how long it takes them to find us?”
Or that when you come home after being on the road for days, somebody will have put the kids up for adoption to bed, rented a movie and ordered Chinese…
Born Free
in The awesomeness that is the inner workings of my somewhat disturbed and unarguably juvenile mind.
as Born free, Jennifer June, Lady's Lounge, my teenager moved out
It happened.
One day I was washing cloth diapers and making homemade baby food, and the next, lugging boxes up the stairs to my daughter’s first apartment.
She did it, she up and left me alone, vulnerable and defenseless against her two younger sisters.
I ordered her to stay, she hissed whispered
“Eighteen”
I tried reasoning with her, negotiating, guilt tripping and even begging her to take me with her.
“Finish school first! Save money first! I’ll let you eat candy for breakfast every day if you stay.”
and…
“You can’t leave them here! They’re your sisters!! They’ll eat me alive! PLEASE!”
I clung to her ankles sobbing but she pried my weak and trembling fingers from her feet.
I went over the next day to shop for cleaning supplies and help her clean up the mess from the previous tenants.
I scrubbed inches of grime from the counter tops and washed boiled and bleached the dishes rotting in the sink.
“Thanks mom, I wouldn’t have touched those cups with a ten foot pole. You probably got an STD just touching them.”
She punches me,
“Way to take one for the team!”
There was a cute dresser left in her room but she wouldn’t go near it. Apparently there were men’s socks and underwear left in one of the drawers.
“You could wash it out, paint it and use it for your odds and ends”
“Ewww.. crusty man germs!”
I removed the rejected garments from inside with an ice pick and blow torched the bureau twice for good measure.
After about 5 hours of scraping down the toilet, disinfecting the tub and calling in search and rescue to remove the pubic hairs from the freezer…
that’s right, the freezer,
Julia started fake yawning and pretending that she was ready to pack it in for the night.
“I know you’re happy to have finally moved out Jules but there is a part of me that feels guilty leaving you here alone. Won’t you be lonely and sad? Do you need time to do this gradually? Do you want me to stay here tonight just so…”
“BORN FREE!” Matt Monro croons from YouTube and Jules cranks the volume on her laptop.
“Julia, turn that down. If you’re too shy to ask me to stay just…”
She sings along,
“As free as the wind blows, As free as the grass grows…” .
“Fine! I’m leaving, I just thought that…”
And louder still,
“and life is worth living, but only worth living cause you’re born free “.
I sent her a text message when I got home.
“I miss you already sweetie”
and she wrote back,
“I have your library card.”
Which I’m pretty sure is 18-year-old for “I miss you too mom, you’re the best”.
Almost no sex in the city…
in The awesomeness that is the inner workings of my somewhat disturbed and unarguably juvenile mind.
as Jennifer June, Jennifer June Chapman, Russell Brand, Sex and the city 2, The Lady's Lounge
So…. I rarely go to the movies because my kids are all old enough to like the same films as me now and it costs about 6 billion dollars for the four of us to go together. That having been said, in the last week, my girls and I have been to TWO, count ‘em [...]
Sharing
in The awesomeness that is the inner workings of my somewhat disturbed and unarguably juvenile mind.
as Jennifer June, The Lady's Lounge
Here are some sites belonging to awesome people who deserve your attention: *Bitch Cakes* A Neurotic Glamour Girl’s Weight Watchers Experience and Fitness Adventures Get Over It! A series of exercises created and customized to help you achieve and maintain balance in your life, stay grounded and focused and get over your break up and [...]
9 reasons to call happy hour about 3 hours early
in The awesomeness that is the inner workings of my somewhat disturbed and unarguably juvenile mind.
as Happy Hour, Jennifer June, Jillian Michaels, The Lady's Lounge
1 knee injury 2 blood tests this morning 3 kids out of the house for the day 4 people accusing me of having a corn fetish today (don’t ask) 5 days left to figure out what I need to pack, find it and pack it. 6 days until Barcelona 7 days of working out like [...]
