Dear Senator Roy Ayela.
(Chairman,Committee On ATM Card Payment)
How sweet of you to accredit that ATM Card valued at $500,000 USD in my favor and how cool of you guys to have a yearly random email selection! I seem to have misplaced my Full Name, Delivery Address, Sex, Phone Number, Country, bank account number and PIN, but you go ahead and send me an email money transfer to the same address you sent this letter to or better yet, send it to me via PayPal. Thanks again for being so awesome. Jennifer June
Dear “Lucia Mobley”,
I’m totally down with chicks and everything but I don’t have one at the moment and even if I did, I think she would probably forgive my shortage in the monster cock department. You see Lucia, let’s just ignore the part where you sent penis enlargement adds to email@example.com, and skip straight to this part: where I come from Jennifer is a girl’s name and where I come from Jennifers don’t usually come naturally equipped with any kind of cock, let alone the monster kind.
Dear Mr. Joseph Poon,
Our names almost kind of rhyme! Joseph Poon, Jennifer June. Ha ha, that’s cool.
Dear Mr. SHIN YUU from JAPAN,
So cool that you made Sixty Five Million five Hundred Thousand US Dollars through a contract awarded to you by the “ministry” and even cooler still that you would like to invest in my country through me! I am honoured, I really am. The thing is…as you pointed out yourself, you didn’t actually finish the contract so maybe you should just give the money back instead of offering it to me.
Dear Mr. Matt Ridley, Former Chairman Northern Rock
I am so sorry to hear that your client, Colin Morley, died from 7 July 2005 London bombings and that all
attempts to trace his next of kin were fruitless. That really sucks!
I’m surprised by your conviction that absolutely no one will come forward to claim the US$20,000,000.00.
Have you considered announcing the death/estate on Kijiji or craigslist?
You mentioned depositing the money in a security company in two trunk boxes and tagging them to be
photographic materials for export. Do you think this might have contributed to the bank “making you to resign”?
I don’t want to be a party-pooper or anything, but as you said, you are still under
investigation so if it’s all the same, I’d rather you didn’t present me as the owner of the boxes.
Also, not to sound like a baby but the 70% for you and 30% for me ratio is kind of a turn off too.
Take it easy Matt.
Dear David Blaire,
As surprising as it may be, I did not send myself a package containing a Bank Draft worth of $800,000.00
but I bet the guy who did is totally freaking out right now, wondering where the hell it is.
Dear Marty Mcpherson,
Your preoccupation with my penis size is really starting to creep me out.
The first email was funny, the second, not so much. Dailies for a month, kind of makes a girl start feeling insecure about her masculinity.
Maybe you should mind your own business. Maybe you should stop projecting and take care of your own problems.
Maybe YOU should Get Bigger Penis.
OH. MY. GOD! Ken George,
you and I both know that the great philanthropist, Late David Rollins, did not make a random selection of individuals (via email addressesss?) drawn from 250 Countries in the world , whom he expects to continue in line with his selfless services to mankind.
And even if he did I ASSURE you, he would never in a million years choose me.
I am anything but selfless Ken.
Please, send the Four Million Five Hundred Thousand Great British Pounds to Jane Goodall or David Suzuki or somebody else who is actually making a difference in this world because I am sure to spend the money on Gin and Toblerone and that’s not going to help anyone now is it?
Dear Holiday firm XL in administration,
while I understand (kinda) what
“DISCOUNTED dxxx PHARMA!” probably means, you totally lost me with the
“PLEafaASE rltf ENABaeraLE rduj LIfa NKS AND adadI MfaeagAGES TO nkz VIEW dgniz OUR MESSAGE!”.
I strongly suggest you invest in more effective translation software because google or bablefish clearly
isn’t working out for you. I would be happy to send you 800,000.00GBP with FedEx Delivery Service to deliver to you upon your contact with them, to buy the above mentioned software, if you simply provide me with your name, country, telephone number, sex, age, occupation, bank account number and PIN.
Mr. Jennifer June Chapman
P.S. Get a bigger penis.